opinionated-but-lazy

Bogie, you sly dog.

2009-11-01T14:35:00.001-08:00

This could be one of my favourite pictures of all time.

Favourite Celebrity Couple?

2009-10-14T15:03:00.001-07:00

Maybe.

But then, let's not discount these ones:

Because who doesn't love two pretty people, who, despite certain career failings (An album of Tom Waits covers? Van Wilder? ... Oh no wait, Van Wilder was awesome) seem like totally awesome funny people who you (me) want to hang out with. Ryan and ScarJo are adorably suited.

Because she's finally found someone on her level of crazy. Manson was just too gross for her. And Planet Terror was fantastic. More please.

Because I want them to stay together forever and have lots of stupidly awkward children and... hey Mila, I think I have that underwear.

Another reason why Mary-Louise is cool.

2009-10-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Mary-Louise Parker was Stephanie Meyer's first choice for Esme Cullen.

She turned the part down.

Damn straight she did.

Mad props to the woman.

Poor Mia

2009-10-13T22:16:00.001-07:00

I mean, you're never going to look your best standing next to Liv Tyler, but... a denim dress? With that jacket? Really? I know it was a few years ago, but I don't remember denim dresses being red-carpet-okay since Brit and JT pulled off the best couples matching outfit in the history of the world. You remember the one I'm talking about.

If your dress is a salute to that outfit, then kudos Mia, but somehow, I don't think it is.

Famous Families

2009-10-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

I want to part of these families:

I want to avoid these:

Just thought you should know.

Greatest Online Store Ever.

2009-10-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

Go here

And revel in the amazing products.

Can't decide if I want bunny or fox jammies for Christmas, but I know what everyone I know is getting!

I hope my friends and family like kitten mittens and leopard tails (they totally will).

Bunnywarez, kudos on fantastically childish products. This is why we have online shopping, people.

Best New Show.

2009-10-13T19:10:00.001-07:00

This is my new favourite thing. It's pure genius, from the Raymond Chandler references to watching Ted Danson smoke pot in a toilet cubicle, this show is why TV was invented.

Val Kilmer could probably beat your dad in a fight.

2009-10-04T04:17:00.000-07:00

This site is awesome.

this one right here

And I'm sure it works a whole lot better when you're not trying to simultaneously download 80's cult classic Real Genius.

Damn you and your classic good looks, Val!

I hope they got good money for this

2009-09-14T20:42:00.001-07:00

This is Death Cab's single for New Moon.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1621380/20090913/death_cab_for_cutie.jhtml

Seriously though, I'm quite pleased that it's not that great. Like, it's good, but it's not their best stuff by any means.

Now I feel sure that they're only doing it for the money. It makes this whole thing a lot more bearable.

Doesn't mean I'm not going to punch Stephanie Meyer and Kristen Stewart in the noses if I ever see them though.

Watch out bitches.

English Breakfast

2009-09-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

A full English breakfast served in a martini glass made out of bacon.

I knew there was a reason I love the English.

Courtesy thisiswhyyourefat.com

Fame

2009-09-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

NO ONE TOLD ME MEGAN MULLALLY IS IN FAME.

Well, add that to the list of movies I'm super excited about.

Pretty much only because of her.

And because it proves that maybe, just maybe, people actually get careers out of So You Think You Can Dance. Which is nice.

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-09-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Tell me you're not excited. Seriously. Look at that still. Can I just have that still blown up and hanging on my wall? Gosh. I don't think I can wait much longer. Why did they have to make it a Christmas release? December is too far away :(

Ali "The one with REALLY no talent" Lohan

2009-09-02T04:50:00.000-07:00

All I'm saying is tell me she doesn't look like a 30 yr old woman about to pick up her kids from school and drop them at home with their mexican maid (whom she calls Juanita, regardless of her actual name) before swanning off to a champagne afternoon tea with the girls and getting a manicure from another mexican woman (whom she also calls Juanita).

That's all I'm saying.

Costume Institute Gala

2009-09-01T16:53:00.001-07:00

Seriously Anne Hathaway, you look like Wonder Woman gift-wrapped herself as a saucy present for her boyfriend. Hire a goddamn stylist.

And Jessica, sigh. Honestly, no I'm too tired. Just, just go back to 7th Heaven or something. I don't care about you and your stupidly cut dress and icky make-up.

Now THIS is a dress. I want to get married in this dress. This is spectacular. That's what you wear to the costume institute gala. Take note, Anne and Jess.

IMDB Polls

2009-09-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Todays imbd poll is who do you think should be cast as Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit?

And guess who's coming last? Robert Pattinson.

Ha.

It could just be that the main demographic of people who actually go to the effort of making an imdb account is not 9-14 yr old girls, but I'm taking this as a victory anyway.

Oh, by the way, James McAvoy is in the lead, closely followed by Simon Pegg and Martin Freeman. I voted for Martin, but I was tossing up between him and Simon.

And think about it people, James McAvoy would be terrible. For one, there's no beautiful-yet-aloof girl for him to moon over, and he has little to no comedic ability. Well, at least not nearly on the same level as Simon and Martin.

Plus, body-shape-wise, James is way to skinny and good looking.

I eventually chose Martin, because if it all ends up being horrible, he'll bounce back, like he has with all the other terrible things he's been in, whereas I never want to see Simon Pegg in something bad. Never. It can't happen. I'd cry like a little girl.

Wow, I can't believe I actually spent that long writing about it. I swear it just meant to be a "You suck R-Patz, even imdb has turned against you", but it morphed into a total nerd-fest. Sorry.

More anti-twilight nerds.

2009-08-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

The irony of this is she looks exactly what Bella would look like if she stayed human.

Bella: the thirtysomething years.

Come on Stephanie Meyer, write about that and see what your pre-pubescent fans have to say.

Favourite Nerd Ever.

2009-08-30T17:05:00.001-07:00

There is no god.

2009-08-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to tell you all this, but...

David Tennant is in the next St. Trinians film.

I know, I know, I'm devastated too. Can't Russell T. Davies just keep him on a leash or something? Only let David do things that are pre-approved by him? But really, David? St. Trinians? What made him agree to this? Was it Colin Firth and Russell Brand signing back on? Was it that in between the last film and this one, the Director did the latest Dorian Gray adaptation, so maybe he does have talent after all?

Honestly though, I'm going to have to find David and have words with him about this.

Maybe I can convince him to do another Casanova miniseries, because that was fantastic. I would not have a problem with David just playing Casanova for the rest of his career, interspersed with Doctor Who cameos, obviously.

Awesome movie overload.

2009-08-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

So there's Up, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, Where the Wild Things Are, Dorian Gray, Sherlock Holmes, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, The September Issue, and now there's this:

Seriously. The end of this year is just too much. I'm going to go broke from going to the movies, like, 5 times a week. On the other hand, so excited for ALL of these. And all the other good films coming out. I think Jason Bateman has about 4. That man just doesn't stop.

Oh, and Whip It, a film about roller derbys starring Ellen Page directed by Drew Barrymore is pretty much going to be the best. So yeah. Just thought you should know where I'll be the next 4 months. I like to sit halfway between the middle and the back, in the middle of the theatre, and my phone will be on silent.

This is getting out of hand.

2009-08-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

from hitflix.com:

"Death Cab for Cutie has scored the leading single spot for the forthcoming Twilight Saga: New Moon soundtrack, with an all-new track Meet Me On the Equinox."
No. This isn't happening. I... I... I just really hope it's just for the money.

And then, further down in the article, it gets worse:

"New Moon director Chris Weitz told hitflix.com that Bon Iver, Band of Skulls and Thom Yorke would all have a place on the soundtrack... he was continuing to try and rope in Kings of Leon for an all-new track."

Well, now I'm just confused. Bon Iver, Band of Skulls and freaking Thome Yorke agree to this, and yet Kings of Leon, biggest independent-turned-commercial success of the last 5 years, are holding out?

Clearly R.Patz wants to bump up his musical cred and has put some sort of mind control drug in the chai lattes of everyone who's agreed, but hasn't been able to get to Kings of Leon water supply yet.

Everything like this ALWAYS turns out to be R.Patz's fault.

Just a warning Robert, when 12yr old girls maul Kristen Stewart to death in an attempt to get to you, it will be YOUR FAULT.

... not that anyone will really mind.

With both our powers combined, maybe we'll be famous again...

2009-08-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

Look everyone! Tia Carrere and Barbara Eden are both still alive! And according to imdb.com, both are still acting!

... Yeah, no one cares.

Even that trumpet player behind them has no idea who they are.

Why the 60s were awesome

2009-08-23T17:01:00.001-07:00

That's Elizabeth Montgomery on a polar bear. A POLAR BEAR PEOPLE. It doesn't get better than that.

Michelle Monaghan at Los Angeles Up premiere

2009-08-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

Want. Dress. Now.

Best Family Photo Ever

2009-08-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

The denim, the elbows on shoulders, the crazy grin on Mac's face. Everything I see of the Culkins just makes me love them more.

WARNING

2009-08-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

This man cannot act:

If you see advertising for a film starring this man, AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

(Even if it has David Bowie.)

Bandslam

2009-08-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

Seriously though, Bandslam is really terrible. In a fantastic way.

Lmao, stop pretending that you actually learned how to play the guitar. Really Ness.

And she owns a house? Goddamn bitch is younger than me and she probably has a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Well, now I'm annoyed. I could've acted better in Bandslam than she did, and I really can't act.

Seriously Vanessa, unless it's High School Musical 4: The College Years, I am not interested in anything you act in anymore.

P.s. someone please make High School Musical 4: The College Years, that would be awesome.

Nothing But Amazing

2009-08-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

This is the trailer for the 1991 movie Nothing But Trouble. If you haven't seen it, you really really should. It's the most stunningly awesome bad movie I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot). John Candy plays 2 characters, Dan Aykroyd plays 3, plus directing. Honestly. It's just insane.

If the trailer doesn't hook you in (which it won't), I should mention it has 2Pac. Not even kidding. He raps and everything. Did I mention this movie is MENTAL?

It's like a horribly mediocre mainstream Hollywood rendition of Rocky Horror Picture Show but without any of the stuff that makes Rocky Horror watchable. Seriously you need to see it. It actually made my brain hurt it was that bad.

Post Grad

2009-08-19T05:02:00.000-07:00

Medicore romcom starring a girl we'll never be able to see as anyone but her tv character? Yes please!

I call it Gilmore Girls 2: What happened if Rory didn't have such witty scriptwriters behind her.

Come on guys, if we all try really hard, we can pretend she's Rory while we watch it and then pretend this movie never happened. I love summer blockbusters!

Edward gets pwned

2009-08-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

Finally. Someone's made a mash-up video that I actually like. No, scrap that. Love.

It really shows up just how crappy the Twilight script (and Stephanie Meyer's writing) is when you put it next to one of the best written tv shows. Oh Edward, you just got pwned.

Crazy Bridesmaids

2009-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new youtube hobby. Desperate bridesmaids trying to catch the bouquet at weddings. So much entertainment.

This is my favourite. I know if I was a guy at that wedding I would totally hook up with the girl who caught it. Determined, good upper-body strength and not afraid of carpet burn. She's a keeper.

Come back, 90s Britney.

2009-08-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

I miss the days when the worst thing about Brit was her too-edgy 90s fashion.

Oh, and how high up is her belly button? Seriously. That's not normal, Brit.

More Billie

2009-08-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Proof of how much England loves Billie Piper.

Only Billie can get an entire studio audience to break the rules for her. Gosh. If only I had that much power.

Oh, and for any unawares, this is Chris Evans, Billie's ex-husband:

Yeah, he must have an amazing personality.

John Hughes

2009-08-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

You guys. Oh my god. John Hughes is dead.

One of the greatest screenwriters in history and arguably the most influential Hollywood writer-producer-director of the late 80s is dead.

Seriously, he's my favourite director. Without John Hughes we wouldn't have teen films like we do now. Without John Hughes we would have never known the awesomeness of John Candy, and of course, without John Hughes Macaulay Culkin would never have been. The film industry would be a different place if he hadn't been around. He proved to mainstream Hollywood that you can make a commercially successful film that is still brilliantly acted and has an insanely clever script. He showed them that mainstream Hollywood audiences aren't idiots. Seriously. God damn. He was amazing.

Without him, redheads wouldn't have Molly Ringwald as proof that they can succeed.

Can I just point out that Home Alone is still today the most successful live-action comedy of all time. OF ALL TIME people. The man was clever, smart and an insanely good writer.

Yes, his best work was behind him, but I don't care damnit. I love his movies so much. Okay, I'm done.

"Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. Bartender says I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked blonde says..."

Now we'll never know the end of the joke lmao.

Speaking of fangirls...

2009-08-05T03:59:00.001-07:00

I think I may have just found the best (or worst) avatar ever.

You know what, with the hand-drawn crappiness and the clear hours (maybe even days) of effort that went into this, I'm going to go with best ever. I just can't not. It's adorable.

Twilight fans not only annoying, but literal too.

2009-08-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

Twilight fans clearly haven't studied metaphors in school yet.

I was scrolling this twilight forum because the fangirls (apparently there are some pre-pubescent boys as well!) were getting up in arms about Stephen King saying Stephanie Meyer can't write, which is fantastic and hilarious at the same time, and as I scrolled I saw this for just a second and thought "Huh, why does a twilight fangirl have a Chronicles of Narnia sig?" and then looked closer and couldn't quite believe it for a second.

I'm totally, like, printing this off and having it framed, and, like, totally going to stalk R.Patz until he signs it for me, like.

And then I'll sell it on eBay, back to the fangirl whose sig it is. Oh, the joy of a flawless plan.

16 and Hilarious

2009-08-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

A direct quote from 16 and Pregnant -

Friend 1: What did you do when you found out you were pregnant?

Pregnant Chick's boyfriend: She cried, man! I cried too. I was like, freaking out. But then I was like 'you gotta a thing growing inside you'

Pregnant Chick: Yeah, there's a thing growing inside me.

Pregnant Chick's voiceover: And that thing turned out to be a baby.

Oh, and she got pregnant because her boyfriend left his condoms in his pocket and they went in the washing machine. Picturing that scene from the DanRad episode of Extras. "Can I have my johnny back?"

Thankyou 16 and Pregnant, for a second there I almost forgot why I have a soft spot for white trash teens.

An open letter to the Brand Power Lady

2009-07-31T15:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Brand Power Lady,

I'm not entirely sure if "the smell of laundry just got better" is really the best slogan for your latest ads.

Sincerely,

Tegan.

Law & Order: Special Awesome Unit

2009-07-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

So this was on last night:

And it was FANTASTIC. Hilary was all white trash and awesome and the whole thing was just great. Dare I say it, it was even better than the episode with Melissa Joan Hart. In fact, it was HEAPS better than the Melissa Joan Hart episode.

It's got a fantastic shock ending too. I highly recommend everyone watch it. Three thumbs up.

An Open Letter to Nickelodeon

2009-07-19T23:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Nickelodeon,

Remember when you were at the forefront of childrens television? Remember Danger

Mouse? Remember Angry Beavers? Remember Doug? Remember Hey Arnold!? For gods sake there was even Sabrina, Ship to Shore, Clarissa Explains it All and Animorphs.

ALL of these shows are MILLIONS of times better than iCarly. Know why? Because these shows don't have a laughter track that runs CONSTANTLY in the background. SERIOUSLY. No kids show is that goddamn funny. Especially not one that stars the least talented kid from School of Rock.

Now Nick, I don't want to be angry at you, and there's a simple way to rectify the problem. Either turn iCarly into a show with a properly written script, no laughter track, and a better lead actress, or just play repeats of Pinky and the Brain instead. Now that was a funny show.

Regards,

Tegan.

Billie Piper's wicked acting skills.

2009-07-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

Check out Billie Piper's first real acting gig. This was a year before Billie took the world (well, the UK and me) by storm.

This makes me wish I was her so bad.

Casper is a ghost-whore

2009-07-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

So this is his ploy. Find some innocent young tween who's never been in love and make them fall for you, letting them think you're in the same boat. Lying man-scum!

Seriously Casper. What about Christina Ricci? I know H-Duff is cute and all, but Christina Ricci is... well, Christina Ricci!

Who wouldn't choose this:

Over this:

Check out her neck. It's just as crappy-sparkles as Edward Cullen. And I'm not even touching her eye make-up. It might give me the herp.

Get some self-esteem Casper. As much as I love the Duffster... Christina Ricci, Casper, Christina Ricci!

Casper the friendly ghost

2009-07-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

I just remembered one of my very first celebrity crushes!

Casper the friendly ghost in person form.

Apparently his name is Devon Sawa. Wicked cool name. I totally loved the end of casper when he turned human and danced with her and they floated and then they kissed and then he fades away.

"Can I keep you?" Aw. Cutest tween couple ever. Sigh, if only I was a 13 year old whose mother had just died and my father moved me into a haunted house where I befriended the ghost, fell in love with the ghost and then helped him cross over (in a non Jennifer Love Hewitt way). Dream the dream.

Some party pooper disabled embedding for the video, so just follow the link and watch it here

Apparently it was the 4th of July a little while ago.

2009-07-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

I hadn't noticed until Sarah kindly reminded me.

Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that's a phone and not a hunting rifle or a moose head. I guess she's trying to ditch the country hick vibe if those rumours about a career in Washington are true. Somehow the flags everywhere and her appropriately coloured outfit just aren't giving me that respectable politician feeling. And does anyone else think her legs are a little scary-tanned? Cute sneakers though.

Bad Ad

2009-07-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

You know what helps in advertising?

EVEN EYELINER.

Gross.

Lady Bitchface

2009-07-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

God Lady Gaga, make it more obvious which interviewers you like. I really can't tell.

Okay, I understand loving Ellen. She is awesome. Plus Portia, she's tapping that ass. That deserves props. Completely with you, Gaga.

Okay, this is stretching it. You could be a bitch to these ladies. They haven't even heard your biggest song. They don't care about you, you're just filler for them. And yet you are gracious and polite and smile for them.

And then you're a FUCKING BITCH to Jonathan. You cow. He's a national treasure. You think you're too good for him? Is that it? He is doing ALL HE CAN to engage you in the interview and you give him NOTHING.
This interview is just terrible, and guess what Gaga, it's not Wossy's fault. It's YOURS. You ruin everything! God.

Brooke Shields is gross.

2009-07-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

Good god. Way to make it all about YOU Brooke. You're not the one who DIED. You're not the one that people actually care about. The world would not be a different place without Suddenly Susan.

My favourite line: "Sequins really hurt me." Did a sequin break your heart when you were 16?
Lmao. I was getting a little emotional until she said "Prince... Paris... Blanket."

An open letter to Taylor Swift.

2009-07-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Taylor,

You know that feeling you get just before you get a brain-freeze? Where you can feel it coming on and you know you can't stop it, and you squint your eyes and hold your breath in anticipation of the pain about to hit you?
That's how I feel when I hear your songs start up on the radio. Only difference is, I can always turn off the radio. And I do Taylor, believe me, I do.
Just thought you should know.

Good luck with the career and trying to out-fame the Jonas Brothers,
Tegan.

Where have I been?

2009-07-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

When did Dakota Fanning grow up? I completely missed her going from this:

To this:
Okay, so maybe not such a huge jump. I remember her being slightly older in Charlotte's Web. Which was just terrible for the record. But I seriously missed her going from kid to saucy almost-adult-teenager, and actually pulling off a nude dress. Weird.

But does anyone else get an Amanda Seyfried vibe from her? Just a little?

Personally I prefer Amanda to Dakota, but that's just because of Mean Girls and Big Love. I pretend Mamma Mia never happened, for both Amanda and Meryl Streep's sake.

I guess I missed Dakota growing up because I avoid her at all costs, mainly because she had a 40 year old's eyes in a tiny creepy child body. But now that she's adult the face isn't so creepy anymore. I guess I'll have to judge whether or not I like the adult-Dakota based solely on how she goes in New Moon, which, if the entire Twilight franchise is anything to go by, means I'll get to keep hating her for a little bit longer. At least until she hits 18 and does a shitty indie flick with a gratuitous sex scene just because her creepy director-boyfriend tells her to. The Brown Bunny 2, anyone?

R-Pattz sees Joan Jett pics.

2009-07-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

He just saw this:

And he doesn't understand why she got cast either. Gross.

Who needs communication when you've got facebook?

2009-07-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

A tiny glimpse into a family more dysfunctional than yours.

Props to Lamebook.

Best alarm clock ever.

2009-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

This Christmas all I want is this alarm clock.

When it goes off, it shoots the shapes out and the alarm doesn't stop until you put the shapes back in the right holes.

Gosh. Childish, cute and mildly aggressive. It's perfect.

Check it out on ModCloth.

Marilyn in doll form.

2009-07-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am now the proud and extremely happy owner of this 50th anniversary Marilyn barbie:

Whoever said money can't buy happiness needs a photo of my face stuck in their office cubicle as a constant reminder of just how wrong they were.

The Culkin Brothers in: Kieran tries to pick up.

2009-06-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

Kieran: Hey cute girl, don't you think my brother's girl is just a touch over-fake-tanned? Like, orange?

Rory: Shut up about my woman.

Kieran: But seriously cute girl, I much prefer pale, down to earth cute girls. Actually, girls much like you, cute girl.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: ... My brother was in Uncle Buck. Did you like Uncle Buck? I liked Uncle Buck.

Cute Girl: ... Are you that guy from that movie with Ryan Phillippe?

Kieran: Why yes, yes I am.

Cute Girl: Do you have his number? He's so damn cute.

Kieran: ... Actually I don't have his number. He's an asshole. Do you know who's number I do have? Mine.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: Here, let me save it in your blackberry. I'll just put it under 'C' for cute Culkin. Hahaha.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: Haha.

Cute Girl: Give me my blackberry back. *Leaves*

Rory: Bet you wish you were with my orange chick now, huh?

Best game ever.

2009-06-25T00:57:00.001-07:00

I seriously couldn't get enough of this game when I was 8 - 12.

I wish I still had it.

Gosh, those rascally skateboarding kids.

My position in the global popularity contest.

2009-06-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

People I will never be cooler than:

Fiona Apple

Meryl Streep

Beck

People I am definitely already cooler than:

Jeff Goldblum

Corbin "why hasn't Disney dropped me yet?" BLEUGHH

The two Culkins who aren't Macaulay. (Rory and Kieran, for those wondering. Kieran's on the left, Rory on the right. I know much too much about the Culkin brothers. Because secretly - not so secretly now - I adore them all. As cool as Macaulay is, my favourite is Kieran. Troubled middle child. Aw. But I'm still cooler than him.)

Best Infomercial Ever?

2009-06-24T23:49:00.001-07:00

I thought it was in the bag with the snuggie, but then America goes and does this.

I'm tearing up with pure infomercial joy. Gosh.

Punch Perez!

2009-06-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

For those not in the loop Perez got punched by will.i.am's manager. will.i.am claims it was a random fan.

Seriously, let's all get in on this and turn it into a "I AM SPARTACUS" deal.

I PUNCHED PEREZ.

Can we get tshirts?

Some of my favourite lines from Perez's video include:

"I've been doing this for 5 years now and nothing like this has ever happened to me. I've had people scream at me, I've had people write nasty things on other blogs, I've had people sue." Those are what we call WARNING SIGNS, Perez.

"I have 10million plus people that visit my website every day. I don't need press, I don't need publicity." He doesn't need modesty either.

"I told him you know what, I don't need to respect you and you're a fag. You're gay and stop being such a faggot." HAHA. And you didn't see the punch coming?

"I think my eyes might be falling out of my head!" I think your brain might be falling out of your head.

"I called 911, I spoke to the police, and they said to me that they would try to make it but that there were actual emergencies going on." Lmao, the police sassed Perez.

"I took to twitter." Gosh, who wouldn't?

But seriously, is anyone else stuck on the perfect pun-based irony of the Black Eyed Peas giving Perez a black eye?

Anyway, this is already almost old news so I better post this quick before will.i.am responds with another video. I can see this going back and forth for days. At least I hope it will.

A year? Seriously? ...Oops.

2009-06-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to leave it this long. I swear. But I'm back, and I'm going to put in so much effort. Regular updates, even if they are shitty. Like this one. Kidding. Or am I? Lets read on and find out...

So I'm reading Kevin Smith's autobiography and I've decided he's a little off on the title. It's called My Boring-Ass Life. But thats the thing, it's not a boring life. He chats with Zach Braff, he goes out for breakfast, brunch and lunch almost every day, his kid goes to the same school as Johnny Depp's kids, and one day Johnny Depp reads fairy tales to the class. THAT'S NOT BORING.

The boring part is wading through his boring writing.

I know, I know, it's Kevin Smith, don't say bad stuff about Kevin Smith. Hey, I jumped on the Clerks bandwagon as much as the next annoying indie hipster, but I also EDIT MY WRITING.

I know, he took it straight from a daily blog and put it into a book, and I know it totally wouldn't be boring if you were reading it on the blog, just a tiny little bit every day. BUT I'M NOT. I'M READING IT IN BOOK FORM, and I don't care how many times he pees in a day.

Basically, I'm objecting to blogs being put straight into book form. It's like taking a whole tv show season and putting the episodes together end to end and watching it all (and yes, I do that on occasion, but still, I'm trying to make a point here). THAT'S NOT HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE WATCHED. And this book is not how Kevin Smith intended these writings to be read.

Obviously, I'm going to continue reading it, because I want to get to Jason Mewes' drug addiction, but once that's over and its just "I woke up, I peed, Clerks 2, I watched TiVo-ed Simpsons episodes" I am so giving up on Kevin Smith and re-reading The Virgin Suicides.

Wow, that was much more ranty and boring than I expected it to be. Have fun with that, people.

And better stuff to come, I hope.

I'm Back

2008-05-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. The uni semester is almost over so I'll be back and posting regularly. In theory.
I'll try my hardest anyhow.

But for now, be soothed with the answers to the movie tagline quiz!

All he wanted to do was dance.
Footloose! How could I not put Footloose in it?

An undercover cop in a class by himself.
Kindergarten Cop. Obviously. It's not a tumour!

From ordinary girl to international popstar.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Loves it.

Meet generation Rx.
The Chumscrubber.

Five strangers with nothing in common, except each other.
The Breakfast Club.

Everyone just pretend to be normal.
Little Miss Sunshine.

Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters. Sigh. I love young Bill Murray.

If you think you know the secret... think twice.
I Know Who Killed Me. Best. Lindsay film. Ever. And I haven't even seen it yet.

Happy Birthday!

2008-05-01T02:31:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Wes Anderson!
Now hurry up and finish The Fantastic Mr. Fox already. Please.
Thankyou.

Oh God, I'm So Sorry.

2008-04-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

No really, I am. I swear. I didn't mean to neglect my adorable little blog for this long.

To make up for it, we're going to play a game. It's called guess-the-movie-from-the-tagline
Basically, I list my favourite movie taglines.

Enjoy.

All he wanted to do was dance.

An undercover cop in a class by himself.

From ordinary girl to international popstar.

Meet generation Rx.

Five strangers with nothing in common, except each other.

Everyone just pretend to be normal.

Who you gonna call?

If you think you know the secret... think twice.

Have fun kids.

Please Forgive Me

2008-03-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in ages.

Really I am.

So here we go...

WHY does John Mayer insist on hanging out with fools?

And worst of all....

I imagine the conversation went a little something like:
John: You guys are so hot right now.
Vanessa: Who are you?
Zac: Dude I totally love your music and political opinions and everything because I am so mature.
John: I remember when I used to be popular. Should've never broken it off with Jessica.
Vanessa: Oh! You're that dude who was dating Jessica Simpson! I knew I'd seen you somewhere.
Zac: No, come on guys, I am totally mature and adult and smart and shit.
John: Say Vanessa, you're quite cute. Wanna be a super hot couple?
Vanessa: Aren't you old enough to be my dad?
John: Details, baby. Love has no age.
Vanessa: Yes it does.
Zac: Seriously guys! I am mature. Just because I'm a Disney star doesn't mean I don't have depth. I'm totally into politics, I swear. Down with Bush! Women and black people are the future!
John: Hey! I know you! You're Harry Potter!
Zac: No I'm not.
John: Dude, you are freakin awesome!
Zac: I'm not Harry Potter.
John: Oh dude, I loved that scene where you were all "Screw you Malfoy!" and he was all "Oh no!" and then Hermione was, like, all over you dude. Swear to god, you are so in with her.
Zac: I'm not Harry Potter. That's Daniel Radcliffe.
John: So does Harry die in the end?
Zac: What is with this guy? Vanessa, we are so outie. Vanessa? Vanessa?
Vanessa: Sorry, I found one of the least gay guys from Simple Plan. It's over, Zac.
Zac: You bitch! I spent a few hundred dollars on that crappy ring! All the magazines said it was adorable and age-appropriate. You can't do this to me!
John: Don't worry dude, if Hermione turns you down, just get back with Cho. Emotionally distraught chicks are hot.

Wow. Okay. That just ended up being a string of very loosely connected thoughts that happened to run through my brain. I'm quite impressed I worked a Simple Plan reference in.
Enjoy.
And I promise more updates very soon.

Law & Order: The Teenage Witch

2008-02-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

I LOVE Law & Order (mainly Criminal Intent, but I'll take it all)

So you can imagine how excited I was when I saw an ad for the SVU ep airing tonight.

It's got Melissa Joan Hart

as a teacher,

and Beaver from Veronica Mars

as one of her students

BUT
Beaver is a sex addict who rapes Sabrina and gets put in a 'treatment facility' where he gets raped!

I am SO taping this.

Channel 7 (and why they suck)

2008-02-19T14:49:00.001-08:00

1) It Takes Two
2) Dancing with the Stars
3) Grant Denyer
4) Larry Emdur stuck with that ugly woman, instead of hosting The Price is Right
5) King of the Hill's timeslot
6) Beauty and the Geek's timeslot
7) They have the Disney contract but they don't use it

STOP DESTROYING EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR.
And let Grant go back to his cars. He was only good as a weather man, he shouldn't be a host.

An Open Letter To Bridget From "Neighbours"

2008-02-19T14:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Bridget,

WEAR A BRA.

Hope all is well,
Tegan.

My Version of 'Glitter'

2008-02-17T15:56:00.000-08:00

Mariah: Oh wow. I have had such a troubled childhood. I was taken away from my loving, if mildly alcoholic mother, to the nicest orphange in the world where I immediately met my 2 best friends and we all got adopted into the same loving family and then we all got jobs as back up dancers in the hottest night club in town.

Werid looking love interest: Wow. Tough. I totally feel your pain. ... Get naked.

Mariah: I don't think so. On second thoughts, sure.

*time passes*

Mariah: Wow. Life is totally hard. I'm like, totally famous and everybody loves me and my boyfriend is also my manager and he totally cares for me and gave up his own career for mine. But they want me to be photographed in a bikini? Man, my life sucks.

Weird looking love interest: Don't worry, I wont let you be humilitated. Oh wait, we're totally breaking up. Bye.

Mariah: Dude that sucks. My life is horrible. I'm an international superstar but I'm living in a tiny one bedroon flat with my 2 best friends. Where did my boyfriend go?

*time passes*

Mariah: I know! I'll write the lyrics for a song expressing my love for my boyfriend. I wonder where he is.

Weird looking love interest: I know! I'll write the music to a song expressing my love for her. Why did we break up?

*time passes*

Mariah: Oh no! He died! Right before my first stadium concert! Most people would cancel the show, and most fans would understand that a loved one has literally JUST. DIED. but not me! Oh no, the show will go on! Right now! I'm going on stage right now! I know! I'll sing that song I wrote for him! Oh look! My band somehow knows the music that he wrote, even though I only saw it once, and no one except the dead guy ever heard it, they are playing along with me! This sucks dude. My life is just one trial after another.

THE END.

Me (watching it): Wow. I mean, I knew it was bad but... wow. That never had a climax. It never had any conflict. That was just Mariah Carey in really bad clothes. The biggest problem was a photo shoot where they put her in a really cute silver bikini. I am totally watching that again, with all my friends and a bottle of vodka.

David O'Doherty

2008-02-17T15:43:00.000-08:00

He says what we've all been thinking.

Famous

2008-02-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

You know you've made it when an online American t-shirt company makes one in your honour.

It also comes in a hoodie. Get 'em while they're hot!

Busted Tees

Enjoy!

238

2008-02-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

The number of times I wanted to suck my own eyes out with a vacuum cleaner whilst watching Raising Helen.

Anti-Valentines

2008-02-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Valentines Day is a waste of perfectly good space. Especially because I'm single.
I know it's not for a little while yet, but I've been catching up on Get This podcasts, and with them I'm up to Valentines Day last year.

So, for everyone out there as bitter and twisted (and single) as I am, here are some movies sure to put you off love.

1) Confetti.
No seriously, I really really don't want to get married because of this movie. Never. Never ever. It's such a super movie.

2) Candy.
Sigh, oh Heath. We miss you. Plus, this movie proves that sometimes kicking your drug habit is more important than true love. Sweet. Just watch out for the baby scene. Super extra sad and horrible warning.

3) Big Fat Liar.
Looking for something a little (a lot) lighter? Watch this, and marvel at how Amanda Bynes steals every scene from Frankie Muniz (well duh. He looks like a gremlin) and the complete and utter lack of any remote sexual tension between them. Definately something to make you forget that romance even exists.

4) YouTube "charley brian uk bb" and watch all the videos that come up.
Seriously. UK Big Brother is A BILLION times better than our Australian one. As in, theirs is actually entertaining. Brian and Charley will make you laugh and cry. No wait, just laugh. Especially when he gets a boner while giving her a massage and feels the need to tell her about it. Oh, and when he wets the bed. Oh, and when he thinks Shakespeare is a film director who did Babe: Pig in the City. Golden. Guaranteed to make you thank the heavens that he isn't your boyfriend and she isn't your girlfriend. (For extra fun, YouTube the 2007 Big Brother special of 8 out of 10 Cats and marvel at Charley's complete lack of... well... everything.)

5) Se7en.
Letting yourself get absorbed into a serial killer story in which Brad Pitt is actually acting is a sure fire way of forgetting all your romantic problems. Especially the last scene. (Although when I watched it the first time I was completely let down by the ending, because my twisted mind had come up with something far more disgusting and horrific that could have been in the box. But that's just me, most people find the ending fantastic.)

6) Peep Show.
It's a British TV show. I think the first season is still up on YouTube unless some copyright Nazis have taken it down. It's unbelievably hysterical. And there's very very little romance. As in, almost none. Did I mention it's hysterical? One of my favourite lines: "This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definately a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo. On my chest. But of my face. Yeah, double me." Go watch.

7) The Sound of Music.
I never want to fall in love again. Put the singing children away! Plus, in a top 10 list of the most unromantic things in the world, I imagine Nazis rate pretty high.

That's all I can think of right now. Enjoy, you romance-haters.

Music Review - Coconut Records

2008-01-17T00:40:00.002-08:00

Coconut Records - Nighttiming

Coconut Records is the name Jason Schwartzman has given his latest musical project.

If you (shockingly) don't know who I'm talking about, let me refresh your memory.

I'm not going to crap on about how brilliant it is and go through every song in a nerd-ish amount of detail, I'll just sum it up with one phrase.

Ridiculously Spectacular.

And just to hook you in even more, Zooey Deschanel and Kirsten Dunst both sing on a couple songs each (and Kirsten isn't as bad as you think, she's actually quite good)

Now fly my pretties, and listen till your ears bleed with joy.

Everybody Loves Kristen Bell

2008-01-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

I adore Kristen Bell.

She'd be the perfect older sister, always letting you borrow her awesome clothes and shoes and buying you alcohol when you're underage and taking you out with all her cool friends to all the cool bars where she knows the owner and gets you free drinks.

So it's nice to see her wearing something that makes her look gorgeous, rather than stumpy and old like she often looks at red carpets.

Aw, look at her there, all cute and smiley and gorgeous. Isn't she adorable? (the answer is yes)
Damn you bastards for cancelling Veronica Mars! Damn you!

No One Like Alicia Keys

2008-01-15T17:23:00.001-08:00

So recently Alicia Keys got a Well Played on GoFugYourself.com for this little ensemble.Now, lord knows I love GoFugYourself and most of the time I completely agree with them and enjoy revelling in their discussions of tackiness.

But honestly, Well Played? This outfit?

Her face is so shiny it's like she's trying to communicate with aliens by reflecting light into outer space, her hair looks like a bird built a nest and then a squirrel came along and killed the bird, using the nest to store its nuts for the winter, and the dress looks like it would look awesome on someone with boobs far bigger than hers and a nicer neck than hers.

Plus her expression looks like she's just realised how irritating No One is to listen to.

Now, I know it's not a total Fug, like, say, Johnny Depp and the London premiere of Sweeney Todd

(Not that anyone should fug Johnny, because he's Johnny Depp and is immortal and untouchable and magical)
But it's still not a pretty picture. I know it's better than a lot of other things she's worn (like the frizzy hair and sweat shirt combo in the No One video) but it's still stupid.

Or, I could be completely wrong and it could just be my dislike for Alicia Keys raging out in the form of insulting her fashion choices. Actually, if I look at it and pretend it's not Alicia Keys, it's not that bad.

Photos copyright GoFugYourself.com

Crazy Britney

2008-01-12T17:17:00.001-08:00

Oh god I love her so much. Seriously.

Okay, remember Brits wedding to Kev? Yes? And remember the outfit?

Well, here she is yesterday in a car dealership with her new bf, that paparazzo dude with the name I can't spell.

Oh Britney.

Now, I am all for celebs wearing things more than once in public. I think it's stupid they get canned for wearing the same thing lots. I wear my clothes lots. Thats what people do.

But BritBrit, seriously, your wedding dress? With a new bf? To a car dealership? Seriously?

Oh lord. Dr. Phil, forget the fueding and the fighting, this girl needs help.

Photos copyright People Magazine

Hello Baby!

2008-01-12T16:47:00.000-08:00

So Nic finally popped it out.
I didn't even know she was 9 months, has anyone checked if she's eaten recently?

And in true Hollywood style, they've chosen a perfectly normal, sane, beautiful name for their baby girl.
Harlow Winter Kate Madden
The only thing that could make that better was if they did a double-barrell on the end with Ritchie.

And apprently celeb friends are just so excited.
Katie Holmes has sent her congratulations (because she's locked in an ivory tower with nothing else to do but read scientology books)
Mischa Barton has bought them a bunch of baby "rocker" tshirts (because her career is non-exsistent and she has a desperate need to cling wildly to anyone in the spotlight)
And LC from The Hills can't wait "to see the baby. I bet it's beautiful!" (because she just has no life)

Enjoy raising the baby, you two crazy kids!

Photo copyright People Magazine.

Music Review - Nickelback

2008-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

It's a new segment!

In "Music Review" I'll basically just insult a random band for as long as Blogger will let me. Enjoy!

Nickelback - All The Right Reasons

This week we're taking a look at Nickelback's latest attempt at mediocrity.

Basically, my view of Nickelback is that, while they are very sucky, they used to be sucky in bearable near obscurity until they started liking pants around women's feet. They thought these lyrics were cool and edgy and sexually appealing. They were wrong. They have spent the rest of their career trying to make up for these lyrics.

Their latest attempt at trying to win back women is so disgustingly sappy in terms of lyrics that I'm not even going to talk about the horribly formulaic music. With songs like "If everyone cared", how anybody can sit through this album without being sick into their own disgust amazes me. I know I sure didn't listen to the album.

What, then, gives me the right to judge it without having heard the entire thing? Because I have a blog. So there, Nickelback fans. Pfft, who am I kidding? That's an oxymoron.

Nic & Keith's First Ultrasound

2008-01-10T19:58:00.001-08:00

What with me being such a close personal friend to redheads and addicts, I have EXCLUSIVE access to the ultrasound pics.

Aw, innit cute?

And who knew Nic's womb was so well equipped?

Good luck to them.

PS - I hope you all appriciate my wicked bad Paint skillz. Bitches don't know shit about Paint.

A Small Note On Paynesville

2008-01-02T21:17:00.000-08:00

(For those who don't know, Paynesville is a tiny town in East Gippsland. Never go there.)

Dear Paynesville,
When your pizza place has an ocotpus as it's logo, you're in trouble.
Love,
Tegan

New Year!

2008-01-02T21:13:00.001-08:00

Happy new year everybody!

Top 5 resolutions for 2008:
1) Become rich
2) Become famous
3) Find the love of your life
4) Be best buds with H.Duff
5) Take Li-Lo under your wing and fix her

I hope you all acheive all of those (I'll be happy with just the last two)

Top 5 Disappointments of 2007

2007-12-25T16:13:00.000-08:00

1) George Bush is still alive

2) We don't have hover cars.

3) I don't have Spice Girls tickets.

4) Fictional characters still don't have the ability to become real.

5) DanRad is still acting in things other than Harry Potter.

More Arnie

2007-12-23T23:34:00.001-08:00

Don't doubt me, don't question me.
Just watch it.

And Blogspot is being stupid again so I can't embed the video. You'll just have to follow the link:

Arnie Does Rio

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

So, yes, it's christmas eve. And I know I haven't updated in ages, but it's not my fault I swear! It's stupid Blogger. So I think I'll hunt around for a blog service that doesn't srew me over when I get a spare moment.

But for now, some yuletide spirit for you, in the form of christmas movies to warm your heart for the silly season.

Seriously, Arnold punches a reindeer in the face then gets it drunk on vodka. It's magical.

Worst Cover Ever?

2007-12-11T02:21:00.000-08:00

Seriously. He's not just flashing, look closer. He's touching himself with his pinkie. WTF JIMMY!?

So wrong. So very, very wrong.

Tegan's Favourite Amazing Animal Facts!

2007-12-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

A male angler fish attaches itself to a female and never lets go. Their vascular systems unite and the male becomes entirely dependant on the female's blood for nutrition.

Okay, all I can think of is getting drunk with my friends and one friend (who shall remain nameless, but anyone who knows her will figure it out) complaining that all she wanted was a guy who wasn't clingy at all. That's the ultimate clingy boyfriend right there.

"What are you doing?"

"Just swimming about."

"Cool. Where?"

"You know where, you're attached to me."

"Cool. Cool. Wanna go out tonight?"

"I swear to god if you don't shut up I'll starve you."

Apparently, moths aren't really attracted to bright lights, they're attracted to the extremely black light just behind the bright light.

Well, there goes half of Jimeoin's material.

Penguins can jump 6 feet in the air.

This fact shouldn't be a fact. Penguins are BIRDS. They should be able to FLY. We state they can jump like it's something impressive. We shouldn't be rewarding them for this. It's like rewarding a racing greyhound for walking. YOU SHOULD BE RUNING VERY FAST, YOU LAZY BASTARD.

Right, that's it. From this point on, I refuse to talk about penguins until they start flying. Take that, you poncy black-tie wankers.

The black bulldog ant from Australia is the most dangerous ant in the world. It stings and bites at the same time and has killed humans.

I don't know whether to be proud that we have the most dangerous ant in the world, or scared because there's a nest of them in my backyard. (No seriously, there is. Serious. They're really gross and they smell when you kill them.)

The Arctic Tern flies from North to South pole and then back again to spend summer in each place.

Right, 2 problems with this animal. One, its got a summer house, so it's a poncy rich wanker who sits around with his mates talking about where they "summered" in '89. Two, it flies from North to South pole so that it's always summer. Always summer. In the North and South poles. Summer. The North and South poles. SUMMER. Is it just me who has a problem with that?

Okay, I'm done. Hopefully, if I find some really good (or really crap) animal facts in the future, I'll stick them up here with my incredibly witty observational commentary for your enjoyment.

Bindi Irwin

2007-11-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

Top 3 reasons why Bindi Irwin is the devil.

1) Her eyes are just black. If that's the window to her soul, it needs some Windex.

2) No one can crimp their hair that much and not have it dry out and become horribly brittle. There are supernatural forces at work in that scalp.

3) Uhh... have you seen the girl sing? That shit ain't right.

Post-Election Blog (Finally)

2007-11-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

So I know it's kinda past it, but...

YAY. Oh gosh I was so happy when I got that text from Mum saying "It's a Ruddslide!"

So I should have done this on Sunday, but I was WAY too hungover. Seriously. And then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday flew by in a blur of data entry. So here we are. Thursday.

And that bright pink man is the leader of our country.

Sleep easy, Australia.

Numb3rs

2007-11-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

Older Brother: Man, being in the FBI is hard. Let me tell you all the details of the top secret classified case I'm working on right now.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Okay.

Older Brother: Someone is going around killing people. It's bad.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Pfft! You call that a crime? I could solve that in 5 seconds with maths.

Older Brother: ... Uhh... maths?

Dude from The Santa Clause: Sure! Just let me draw lots of meaningless equations on this blackboard. (draws) There! Done! This is the guy you're looking for.

Older Brother: Wow! I've been in the FBI for years and had years and years of intensive training before that, but you're so much better at this than me! You should help me on every case.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Yay maths!

Awesome Christmas Presents

2007-11-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, people. The time when all you want to do is drink and sleep and watch awesome movies like Jingle All The Way and The Santa Clause 2, but you keep getting interrupted by family members who seem like they will never give in to mortality and who demand presents.

So, for my parents benefit (although hopefully they will never find this blog, so this is kind of pointless, but shut up, don't judge me), here is my christmas wishlist.

Pretty much the best show in the world -- with the worst timeslot. Midnight on a tuesday? WTF ABC.

I MUST HAVE THEM. I missed a section of the first season and most of the third. I. MUST. HAVE. THEM.

I have to complete my Wes Anderson collection or I will die. Enough said.

Yes, I've seen pretty much every episode on TV, but that was years ago, and I've got the first 3 seasons, so now it's a collection. And it's a really good show.

Other than that, just get me money. I only want dvds. Dvds are awesome.

Do you hear me, parents? Good.

Election Propaganda

2007-10-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

A vote for John Howard is a vote for racism.

Do the right thing, Australia.

Sally Potter's Orlando

2007-10-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a magical land far far away, a young girl with a large nose was born. She was very very smart and a very very brilliant writer. One day this girl fell in love with another girl and decided to write a book for her. This book was called Orlando. Many many years later, after the book was very successful and the young girl with the big nose had killed herself, another young girl decided to make this classic novel into a film.

Casting was very hard because the characters were so complicated. The young girl decided Tilda Swinton should play Orlando and a gay man should play Queen Elizabeth. This was all fine, but one character still stumped her. Orlando's handsome sailor husband, Shel. She just couldn't find anyone right to play Shel. All the men were either too ugly, or too good looking, or too tall, or too short. Eventually they had no time left to look for more men and they had to start shooting, so the young girl quickly hired the cheapest actor in Hollywood, Billy Zane.

A few years later, a young girl was attended university and studying literature, in particular Orlando and the film adaptation. The young girl had only read 2 books on the course, and had already done essays on both of those. She needed to pick another text to do her final essay on, so she compared the length of The Portrait of a Lady and Orlando, and Orlando was thinner so she read that one. To her surprise, she truly really enjoyed the book! It was brilliantly funny and cleverly written and was jolly good fun. She was quite excited that she had chosen, by chance, a book that she actually enjoyed to write an essay on. Now she had to watch Sally Potter's film adaptation. It was quite boring and badly shot, but very aesthectically pretty, and Tilda Swinton was quite awful, but she swallowed her disappointment and continued to watch.
Then Billy Zane appeared.
The girl laughed out loud. This couldn't be serious, she thought. No one would actually cast Billy Zane in such an important and heavy role. The movie continued. Apparently it was serious. The girl tried to stifle her laughter, but when Tilda Swinton gave Billy Zane a foot bath, it was all too much and the girl had to leave the theatre to laugh loudly and continuously.

In short, Sally Potter, shame on you for destroying a fantastic, classic piece of literature. Shame.
As punishment, I think you should write my essay for me, Sally. It's only fair.

Hey There Annoying-Repetative-Ballad-By-A-Band-With-Dicks-Where-Their-Talent-Should-Be

2007-10-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't often force my musical opinions on other people, BUT.

If ANYONE I know enjoys Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's, then I disown you.
Right now. Right this very second. I swear. If I saw you on the street having a heart attack I wouldn't stop to help. Seriously. I hate that song so much.

So go ahead, listen to it AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Homosexual Humour

2007-10-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

I ADORE Harry Potter. I also adore Harry Potter spoofs.
So enjoy,

Props to The Soup for this excellent vid.

Grand Final

2007-09-29T01:30:00.000-07:00

I really don't care much for football, but the grand final is always a great opportunity to pick up some fantastic commentator quotes, like these ones:

Before the game:
"Port will be playing keepings off with the ball"
I assumed they'd be playing football. Silly me.

During the game:
"Back in '95 the cats overcooked it"
.... uh huh

As a player's about to kick a goal:
"This is a moment he'll remember for the rest of his life... the crowd ringing in his ears... he'll tell his grandkids about this... oh, he missed it."
Yeah, not too sure he'll tell his grandchildren about that particular event.

After watching a player get tackled around his waist and drop to the ground, both players spooning each other:
"Great camera angle there. Do you want some company?"
Gotta love sports progressive attitude towards sexuality.

As it becomes clear that Port is definitely going to lose:
"It's a total Power blackout."
Brilliant. Pure genius. I love puns.

After Geelong won:
"What's it all about Alfie? It's about premierships."
Not too sure that was the original meaning of the song...

My Version of "Chocolat"

2007-09-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

Juliette Binoche: Oooh. Freaky mystical ancient herbal stuff.
Johnny Depp: Chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Not just chocolate. It can awaken a sleeping soul, unlock the truth inside the most repressed heart.
Johnny Depp: Right. Okay. Umm.... wanna have sex on a boat?
Juliette Binoche: Can it be deep, sensual, meaningful sex?
Johnny Depp: Sure babe.
*after sex*
Juliette Binoche: The clever north wind is calling to me. I must keep travelling. There are so many more people I must save.
Johnny Depp: Save... with chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Yes.
Johnny Depp: ... Okay, yeah, well... you go on ahead, I'll catch up.
*she leaves*
Johnny Depp: Holy fuck she is nuts. I'm gonna go live with Winona in Girl, Interrupted. Maybe I can get me some Angelina action. Wait... what am I saying? I'm Johnny Depp. OF COURSE I can get me some Angelina action.

Battle of the Interviewers

2007-09-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

Parky: Everybody loves you.
Denton: You're quite popular in some demographics.
Rove: I think you're great (pulls funny face).

Parky: Your new album is just lovely.
Denton: Your album has been received rather well.
Rove: I love your new album. (lets Pete crack a joke)

Parky: You're so young and so talented.
Denton: You must have a lot of pressure on you, being thrust into the spotlight at such an early age.
Rove: Can you even drink legally? I can. (lets Dave crack a joke)

Parky: You had a rough childhood. Do you think that helped you become so brilliant?
Denton: Tell me about the time you watched your father rape and murder your mother and sister.
Rove: Squirt this milk out of your nose and I'll get Hamish to drink it.

Parky: There's been some questions around your sexuality. Do you think that's contributed to your success?
Denton: Are you gay?
Rove: Who would you turn gay for?

My Version of "The Piano"

2007-09-19T22:17:00.001-07:00

Holly Hunter: I am a woman who does not speak. Respect and admire me for my individuality and integrity in a patriarchal world.
Harvey Keitel: Fuck me.
Sam Neil: No! Fuck me first!
Holly Hunter: ... I am a woman who does not spea-
Anna Paquin: Fuck somebody already! This movie needs a sex scene to liven things up. Meanwhile I'll just stand here looking mildly possessed until someone gives me an award.

The End.

Btw - I'm not against The Piano, I can fully appreciate the excellent cinematography and acting. I just don't like it.

Super Fight #2 - Re-Match: Bratz vs Barbie

2007-09-14T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, it seems Bratz have tried to kill the competition with a dabble into the world of cinema.

They seem to have forgotten one tiny detail.

BARBIE ALREADY HAS MOVIES. TONS OF THEM.

Some highlights include:

Barbie as Rapunzel, Barbie in the Nutcracker, Barbie: Swan Lake, Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses, Barbie as the Island Princess (screening tomorrow on channel 7, don't miss it), The Barbie Diaries and Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper.

Not to mention her incredible spin-offs from Barbie: Fairytopia, which include Barbie Fairytopia: The Magic of the Rainbow, Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia and Barbie Fairytopia: Return to Mermaidia.

Now I hear what you're saying, "But Tegan, the Bratz movie has real people. Surely that's better than Barbie's crappy animation."

To which I say, No it's not. Animation is a perfectly valid form of artistic expression, and having animations allows Barbie to maintain her flawless looks. People get old and wrinkled and sag. Animations don't. Plus the chicks in the Bratz movie are weird looking. Especially the one that actually really looks like a Bratz doll. Creepy.

I also hear you say "But Tegan, those Barbie movies were created for tv, purely as vehicles of advertising for specific Barbie dolls."

To which I say, that doesn't mean they aren't fantastic stories. So shut up. Who do you think you are, anyway? Have you ever made a movie? NO. So leave Barbie alone. And don't go see the Bratz movie.

So Barbie wins again. Honestly Bratz, just give up now before you embarrass yourself.

High School Nude-ical

2007-09-09T01:42:00.000-07:00

Gosh I love word play and puns.

Anway, this actually has nothing to do with naked Vanessa Hudgens because ~surprise suprise~ I genuinly don't care about that.

This is about Zac Efron and his horrible career transformation.

Observe Past-Zac:

He's cute, innocent, young, non-threatening, parent friendly and all round good guy. The type of guy an overprotective father is happy to see on his 11yr old daughter's wall.

But now, observe Present-Zac:

He is, in short, THE DEVIL.

HEED MY WARNING. ZAC EFRON HAS BEEN POSSESSED.
No one willingly allows his hair to be styled like that without being clinically insane. Seriously, he has a reputation for being a tween heart throb. WHY WOULD HE BLOW THAT BY HAVING A SADISTIC PERVERTED CURL PLASTERED TO HIS HUGE FOREHEAD WITH LARD???

Anyway, that's all for now.

PS - I think I derserve kudos for the awesome title of this post, don't you? I can't stop laughing about it. It just came to me, just like when Edison invented all that crap and Einstein did all that stuff. I am a genius, if I do say so myself. Which I do.

Oh Aleisha shakes head

2007-09-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

I expected it from Krystal. We ALL expected it from Krystal (in fact, if I'm being honest, I expected a double spread with Krystal and her mum, actually).

But I though you were above this Aleisha. I thought you were funny and cute and NOT A DIRTY SLUT.

Oh Aleisha, I was wrong.

I am PRAYING that this is some crazy clause in your BB contract, stating all the girls (well, lets face it, all the pretty girls) have to do a Slutty McSlutSlut photo shoot for the ever tasteful Zoo Weekly, and that this wasn't a genuine career move (unlike your Global Rags ads with Brodie, which I LOVE, and simply can't stop watching. Kudos on that.)

Dear, sweet, lovely Aleisha, please PLEASE listen to me.
DON'T BECOME THE NEXT KRYSTAL.

Miss Teen USDumb

2007-08-31T01:32:00.000-07:00

By now the entire world is almost finished laughing at this...

Now people, please, you all seem to be missing the point.
She's extremely pretty. Like, really really pretty.
And, as you all know, in this shallow world the pretty can do whatever the fuck they want (just look at Tyra. That bitch is mental. But pretty.)
So leave her the fuck alone. You're all just jealous that you couldn't pull off that dress.