Friday, August 31, 2007

Miss Teen USDumb

By now the entire world is almost finished laughing at this...

Now people, please, you all seem to be missing the point.
She's extremely pretty. Like, really really pretty.
And, as you all know, in this shallow world the pretty can do whatever the fuck they want (just look at Tyra. That bitch is mental. But pretty.)
So leave her the fuck alone. You're all just jealous that you couldn't pull off that dress.

Things I Learned From... (#2)

Kevin Rudd.

1) It doesn't matter how bad you fuck it up, there's always someone who is hated more than you.

Vote for him. He has awesome excuses for things and he has more hair than John.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Gender Studies

is creating women who are really annoying.
Take a girl in my creative writing tute.
Here is an extract from a workshopping session on some guy's story.

Tutor: What do we think of it?

Random people: It's really good. I like it.

Gender studies chick: I don't know, maybe it's the gender studies in me, but I really didn't like it when the girl cried. It made her seem weak. And she's not weak.

Guy who wrote it: .......

Gender studies chick: It's just... women aren't weak.

Tutor: ...... Good. Anyone else?

Todays Lesson:
I don't care if you want to save gender studies, but please, do it quietly.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The whole lonely hearts thing

In honour of me watching the entire first season of The IT Crowd in one sitting (again), and in honour of my favourite episode being Fifty-Fifty (in which they place a fake personal ad) I thought we should take a closer look at some personal ads in a local newspaper I found lying around my house.

These are dead-set real ads. I swear the people who paid real money for these actually exist somewhere.

Men seeking women

The ad says:
I am open, friendly and enjoy a good laugh. I love animals and all things warm and fuzzy. Ready to chat.
He really means:
Fuck me.

The ad says:
Asian lady sought by 50 yo prof guy for permanent relationship. Enjoy gardening, country drives and different cultures. Caring and generous.
He really means:
I am too cheap to buy a mail order bride.

The ad says:
Dear reader, do I find thee well? If not, wellness can be obtained here. (not suitable for really sick people)
He really means:
I made it funny so it would look like I did it as a joke. I am alone. Love me.

Women seeking men

The ad says:
Classy succes very attar tall calm lovg intel educated young asain look 4 well pres attr calm fit intel prof or manag guy with heart 4 long relat
She really means:
I didn’t know this was pay by the letter.

The ad says:
Are you looking for someone to share the mystery with? Do you think that mature love has the potential to expand infinitely. You do! Then lets chat…
She really means:
I’m old, but good in bed.

The ad says:
Country girl. 67. Honest. Loving. Happy. Loves country, and horses, outdoors, camping, fishing etc. Hate liars. Call me.
She really means:
I just found my husband cheating on me.

Perhaps I have too much free time on my hands.... perhaps not. We'll never know.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

The lowest form of wit

People say it's sarcasm, it's not. It's Mark Philippoussis' Age of Love.
If you haven't been watching this gem of a show, I highly encourage it.

The premise is not hard to follow. Mark thinks it's an ordinary dating show, until he finds out all the women are in their 40's. He gets to know them, heartwarmingly realises age is but a number, and then they introduce a bunch of women in their 20's. Now Mark is torn between old women with brains and personality (and children the same age as him. yum.) and young women with big tits. Hard choice dude. Hard choice.

All my friends (well, one) adore this show jsut as much as I do.
Observe this text conversation:

Me: Dude of course I am. I wouldn't miss this train wreck for the world.
Friend: LMAO "ever dated a 46 yr old before?" I can almost hear him saying LOL inside.
Me: I don't get it. They're old. And he's not. This is going to be a very simple show.
Friend: Word, I just wanna see the old ladies faces when the younger girls come out. THERES BOUT TO BE A WHATTT? GIRL FIGHT!
Me: Haha, its going to be awesome. I really dont like that old woman in the 12 yr olds clothes. What.
Friend: Ahahahaha LMAO at these women thinking he might pick a 40 yr old. Ya.... 20 yr old..... 40 yr old.....hard decision, ya know?
Me: Especially for the man who dated Delta Goodrem pre-cancer. After you go Delta, you don't go back. Just ask that ugly Irish dude she's with now. HOME WRECKER DELTA.

So as you can see, Age of Love is awesome, Delta is not. Go watch Mark squirm awkwardly around women so desperate as to subject themselves to this treatment. We are in the golden age of tv, people. Don't ignore it.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Super Fight #1 - Bratz vs. Barbie

Being 19, I grew up with Barbie. Barbie had no competition back then (in the good ol' days). Barbie was queen of the toys and, as such, had an entire aisle dedicated to her fine products (commonly known as "the pink aisle").

I am a fan of Barbie. I think she is super and should be mandatory for all young girls. Thats why I was thoroughly annoyed when Bratz came on to the scene, all scantily clad and promiscuious and lacking noses, and actually sold quite well. I was disappointed in todays youth. However, before we start throwing around accusations about youth (calling them stupid sluts and so forth), I thought we should do an in-depth comparison of both Barbie and Bratz marketing to see just what it is about Bratz that hooks young girls in and where Barbie is going wrong.

Of course, in todays hectic lifestyle, who has time to conduct an in-depth research report on marketing strategies? Not me. So I went to the quickest and easiest source of marketing for both Bratz and Barbie and compared them. I talk, of course, of the OFFICIAL WEBSITES.

Lets start with Barbie.

While the homepage loads a message screams at me "THINK PINK". I can't see anything negative about this. It's happy and positive and not offensive in any way. Unless you don't like pink and resent being told to think it.

My eyes scan past the games and downloads to a button titled "PARENTS SECTION". The parents section appears to be a weekly helpful advice newsletter, dishing out information on everything under the sun, including topics such as Strong body, strong self; Tips about helping others; Family traditions; Raising a 'can-do' girl; Is she old enough to do that?; dad-daughter adventures; and Supporting your daughter through crisis.

This all seems wonderful. Once again, Barbie not only provides a strong role model for girls, but also helps girls's parents to become the best parents they can be.

Lets now visit the Bratz page.

While the homepage loads I am confronted with the message "PLEASE WAIT... IT TAKES TIME TO LOOK THIS GOOD"
Right. Uh huh. Encouraging a focus on outward beauty rather than building a strong and confident persona. Minus one point for Bratz and the homepage hasn't even loaded yet. It's not looking good.

The homepage, understandably, is advertising the latest instalment in Bratz dollz (every 's' is replaced with 'z' in Bratz-land). It appears to be Bratz dollz dressed as slutty fairie things. Apparently they are the Bratz Pixiez.
The advertisment tells me to pick my favourtie Bratz Pixiez outfit. I am stunned, as they all look the same to me. I settle on Jade, and as I click on her a window pops up with an enlarged image of Jade and a helpful message for young girls.
Keep the eyes and lips frosty and finish the look off with lots of glitter! Maybe add a fake tattoo!
I wonder how the writers of Barbie's parents section would feel about encouraging pre-teens to get tattoos. Obviously, I am intrigued by this "advice" and so I check out a couple other Bratz Pixiez to see what they have to say.
Yasmin tells me It's hard to imagine Lindsay Lohan getting coffee in this look! But celebs might rock this style on the set of a fantasy movie!
So not only do they want young girls drinking coffee (no doubt to stunt their physical and mental growth, thus keeping them in the Bratz target demographic forever) but they're promoting Li-Lo as an appropiate role model. Smooth.

I decide to look around for a parents section and surprise! I don't find one.
They may not have parent advice, but they do have horoscopes!
Here are some of the best ones.

Gemini: Stress much? It’s cool. We all wig-out every now and then. Try a little yoga to quell those worry-wart tendencies. Soon you’ll be stylin’!
Wig-out? Wig-out?!? I didn’t know people said that anymore. I guess I’m getting old.
Anyone wanna make a bet? $5 says this is a set-up for Bratz bringing out a yoga Bratz, who comes with an instructional video and everything.

Taurus: Could you be any busier this month? Between all the awesome activies and your sweet social life, save time to kick back and chill. Even brave bull-girls need beauty rest.
Bull-girls. Uh huh. Way to boost their self confidence.

Aries: Things are lookin’ up on the homefront. Organize a family fun night and celebrate your domestic bliss with a large pizza, rockin’ movie rentals and games!
“domestic bliss”? Stepford wives, anyone?

Pisces: Check it out: Your dating slump is over, fish girl! The 10th, 11th, 28th and 29th are super-special days to connect with your crush, so glam it up and get ready to be in like!
What. The. Fuck. So many things wrong…. Cant handle it…. bad grammar too… *dies*

Capricorn: Yikes! You and a BFF totally disagree! No worries. Things should mellow out mid-month. Celebrate making up with matching makeovers!
For those not in-the-know, BFF stands for Best Friend Forever. And its good to see Bratz dispensing solid, practical advise to help young girls deal with socialization problems.

Sagittarius: Sag is goin’ solo! Write a one-woman show, start a dog-walking service or make your own makeup. Enjoy the time alone and then have a blowout with your buds in honour of your sweet skillz!
This one has to be my favourite, purely for the use of the phrase “sweet skillz”.

THE VERDICT: Well obviously Barbie wins. I mean, it was close for a while there (before I'd seen the Bratz website) but Barbie brought it home in the end. Plus the Barbie online games are so much better than the Bratz ones. Don't ask me how I know that.


Thursday, August 2, 2007

No one cares about other peoples hopes and dreams.

I want to be a writer. Preferably a screenwrtiter.
But, as the title of this page suggests, I am extremely lazy. So for now, until I get off my arse and make something of my life, I live vicariously through my friends and I will fill this blog with my thoughts on stuff.

Just so you know, it'll probably end up being mainly about celebrities and music with the occasional politics/current events rant thrown in for good measure. Just like every other blog in the entire world! Yay!