Saturday, September 29, 2007

Grand Final

I really don't care much for football, but the grand final is always a great opportunity to pick up some fantastic commentator quotes, like these ones:

Before the game:
"Port will be playing keepings off with the ball"
I assumed they'd be playing football. Silly me.

During the game:
"Back in '95 the cats overcooked it"
.... uh huh

As a player's about to kick a goal:
"This is a moment he'll remember for the rest of his life... the crowd ringing in his ears... he'll tell his grandkids about this... oh, he missed it."
Yeah, not too sure he'll tell his grandchildren about that particular event.

After watching a player get tackled around his waist and drop to the ground, both players spooning each other:
"Great camera angle there. Do you want some company?"
Gotta love sports progressive attitude towards sexuality.

As it becomes clear that Port is definitely going to lose:
"It's a total Power blackout."
Brilliant. Pure genius. I love puns.

After Geelong won:
"What's it all about Alfie? It's about premierships."
Not too sure that was the original meaning of the song...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

My Version of "Chocolat"

Juliette Binoche: Oooh. Freaky mystical ancient herbal stuff.
Johnny Depp: Chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Not just chocolate. It can awaken a sleeping soul, unlock the truth inside the most repressed heart.
Johnny Depp: Right. Okay. Umm.... wanna have sex on a boat?
Juliette Binoche: Can it be deep, sensual, meaningful sex?
Johnny Depp: Sure babe.
*after sex*
Juliette Binoche: The clever north wind is calling to me. I must keep travelling. There are so many more people I must save.
Johnny Depp: Save... with chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Yes.
Johnny Depp: ... Okay, yeah, well... you go on ahead, I'll catch up.
*she leaves*
Johnny Depp: Holy fuck she is nuts. I'm gonna go live with Winona in Girl, Interrupted. Maybe I can get me some Angelina action. Wait... what am I saying? I'm Johnny Depp. OF COURSE I can get me some Angelina action.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Battle of the Interviewers

Parky: Everybody loves you.
Denton: You're quite popular in some demographics.
Rove: I think you're great (pulls funny face).

Parky: Your new album is just lovely.
Denton: Your album has been received rather well.
Rove: I love your new album. (lets Pete crack a joke)

Parky: You're so young and so talented.
Denton: You must have a lot of pressure on you, being thrust into the spotlight at such an early age.
Rove: Can you even drink legally? I can. (lets Dave crack a joke)

Parky: You had a rough childhood. Do you think that helped you become so brilliant?
Denton: Tell me about the time you watched your father rape and murder your mother and sister.
Rove: Squirt this milk out of your nose and I'll get Hamish to drink it.

Parky: There's been some questions around your sexuality. Do you think that's contributed to your success?
Denton: Are you gay?
Rove: Who would you turn gay for?

My Version of "The Piano"

Holly Hunter: I am a woman who does not speak. Respect and admire me for my individuality and integrity in a patriarchal world.
Harvey Keitel: Fuck me.
Sam Neil: No! Fuck me first!
Holly Hunter: ... I am a woman who does not spea-
Anna Paquin: Fuck somebody already! This movie needs a sex scene to liven things up. Meanwhile I'll just stand here looking mildly possessed until someone gives me an award.

The End.

Btw - I'm not against The Piano, I can fully appreciate the excellent cinematography and acting. I just don't like it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Super Fight #2 - Re-Match: Bratz vs Barbie

So, it seems Bratz have tried to kill the competition with a dabble into the world of cinema.

They seem to have forgotten one tiny detail.


Some highlights include:

Barbie as Rapunzel, Barbie in the Nutcracker, Barbie: Swan Lake, Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses, Barbie as the Island Princess (screening tomorrow on channel 7, don't miss it), The Barbie Diaries and Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper.

Not to mention her incredible spin-offs from Barbie: Fairytopia, which include Barbie Fairytopia: The Magic of the Rainbow, Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia and Barbie Fairytopia: Return to Mermaidia.

Now I hear what you're saying, "But Tegan, the Bratz movie has real people. Surely that's better than Barbie's crappy animation."

To which I say, No it's not. Animation is a perfectly valid form of artistic expression, and having animations allows Barbie to maintain her flawless looks. People get old and wrinkled and sag. Animations don't. Plus the chicks in the Bratz movie are weird looking. Especially the one that actually really looks like a Bratz doll. Creepy.

I also hear you say "But Tegan, those Barbie movies were created for tv, purely as vehicles of advertising for specific Barbie dolls."

To which I say, that doesn't mean they aren't fantastic stories. So shut up. Who do you think you are, anyway? Have you ever made a movie? NO. So leave Barbie alone. And don't go see the Bratz movie.

So Barbie wins again. Honestly Bratz, just give up now before you embarrass yourself.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

High School Nude-ical

Gosh I love word play and puns.

Anway, this actually has nothing to do with naked Vanessa Hudgens because ~surprise suprise~ I genuinly don't care about that.

This is about Zac Efron and his horrible career transformation.

Observe Past-Zac:

He's cute, innocent, young, non-threatening, parent friendly and all round good guy. The type of guy an overprotective father is happy to see on his 11yr old daughter's wall.

But now, observe Present-Zac:

He is, in short, THE DEVIL.

No one willingly allows his hair to be styled like that without being clinically insane. Seriously, he has a reputation for being a tween heart throb. WHY WOULD HE BLOW THAT BY HAVING A SADISTIC PERVERTED CURL PLASTERED TO HIS HUGE FOREHEAD WITH LARD???

Anyway, that's all for now.

PS - I think I derserve kudos for the awesome title of this post, don't you? I can't stop laughing about it. It just came to me, just like when Edison invented all that crap and Einstein did all that stuff. I am a genius, if I do say so myself. Which I do.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Oh Aleisha *shakes head*

I expected it from Krystal. We ALL expected it from Krystal (in fact, if I'm being honest, I expected a double spread with Krystal and her mum, actually).

But I though you were above this Aleisha. I thought you were funny and cute and NOT A DIRTY SLUT.

Oh Aleisha, I was wrong.

I am PRAYING that this is some crazy clause in your BB contract, stating all the girls (well, lets face it, all the pretty girls) have to do a Slutty McSlutSlut photo shoot for the ever tasteful Zoo Weekly, and that this wasn't a genuine career move (unlike your Global Rags ads with Brodie, which I LOVE, and simply can't stop watching. Kudos on that.)

Dear, sweet, lovely Aleisha, please PLEASE listen to me.