Law & Order: The Teenage Witch

I LOVE Law & Order (mainly Criminal Intent, but I'll take it all)

So you can imagine how excited I was when I saw an ad for the SVU ep airing tonight.

It's got Melissa Joan Hart

as a teacher,

and Beaver from Veronica Mars

as one of her students

BUT
Beaver is a sex addict who rapes Sabrina and gets put in a 'treatment facility' where he gets raped!

I am SO taping this.

Channel 7 (and why they suck)

1) It Takes Two
2) Dancing with the Stars
3) Grant Denyer
4) Larry Emdur stuck with that ugly woman, instead of hosting The Price is Right
5) King of the Hill's timeslot
6) Beauty and the Geek's timeslot
7) They have the Disney contract but they don't use it

STOP DESTROYING EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR.
And let Grant go back to his cars. He was only good as a weather man, he shouldn't be a host.

An Open Letter To Bridget From "Neighbours"

Dear Bridget,

WEAR A BRA.

Hope all is well,
Tegan.

My Version of 'Glitter'

Mariah: Oh wow. I have had such a troubled childhood. I was taken away from my loving, if mildly alcoholic mother, to the nicest orphange in the world where I immediately met my 2 best friends and we all got adopted into the same loving family and then we all got jobs as back up dancers in the hottest night club in town.

Werid looking love interest: Wow. Tough. I totally feel your pain. ... Get naked.

Mariah: I don't think so. On second thoughts, sure.

*time passes*

Mariah: Wow. Life is totally hard. I'm like, totally famous and everybody loves me and my boyfriend is also my manager and he totally cares for me and gave up his own career for mine. But they want me to be photographed in a bikini? Man, my life sucks.

Weird looking love interest: Don't worry, I wont let you be humilitated. Oh wait, we're totally breaking up. Bye.

Mariah: Dude that sucks. My life is horrible. I'm an international superstar but I'm living in a tiny one bedroon flat with my 2 best friends. Where did my boyfriend go?

*time passes*

Mariah: I know! I'll write the lyrics for a song expressing my love for my boyfriend. I wonder where he is.

Weird looking love interest: I know! I'll write the music to a song expressing my love for her. Why did we break up?

*time passes*

Mariah: Oh no! He died! Right before my first stadium concert! Most people would cancel the show, and most fans would understand that a loved one has literally JUST. DIED. but not me! Oh no, the show will go on! Right now! I'm going on stage right now! I know! I'll sing that song I wrote for him! Oh look! My band somehow knows the music that he wrote, even though I only saw it once, and no one except the dead guy ever heard it, they are playing along with me! This sucks dude. My life is just one trial after another.

THE END.

Me (watching it): Wow. I mean, I knew it was bad but... wow. That never had a climax. It never had any conflict. That was just Mariah Carey in really bad clothes. The biggest problem was a photo shoot where they put her in a really cute silver bikini. I am totally watching that again, with all my friends and a bottle of vodka.

David O'Doherty

He says what we've all been thinking.

Famous

You know you've made it when an online American t-shirt company makes one in your honour.

It also comes in a hoodie. Get 'em while they're hot!

Busted Tees

Enjoy!

238

The number of times I wanted to suck my own eyes out with a vacuum cleaner whilst watching Raising Helen.

Anti-Valentines

I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Valentines Day is a waste of perfectly good space. Especially because I'm single.
I know it's not for a little while yet, but I've been catching up on Get This podcasts, and with them I'm up to Valentines Day last year.

So, for everyone out there as bitter and twisted (and single) as I am, here are some movies sure to put you off love.

1) Confetti.
No seriously, I really really don't want to get married because of this movie. Never. Never ever. It's such a super movie.

2) Candy.
Sigh, oh Heath. We miss you. Plus, this movie proves that sometimes kicking your drug habit is more important than true love. Sweet. Just watch out for the baby scene. Super extra sad and horrible warning.

3) Big Fat Liar.
Looking for something a little (a lot) lighter? Watch this, and marvel at how Amanda Bynes steals every scene from Frankie Muniz (well duh. He looks like a gremlin) and the complete and utter lack of any remote sexual tension between them. Definately something to make you forget that romance even exists.

4) YouTube "charley brian uk bb" and watch all the videos that come up.
Seriously. UK Big Brother is A BILLION times better than our Australian one. As in, theirs is actually entertaining. Brian and Charley will make you laugh and cry. No wait, just laugh. Especially when he gets a boner while giving her a massage and feels the need to tell her about it. Oh, and when he wets the bed. Oh, and when he thinks Shakespeare is a film director who did Babe: Pig in the City. Golden. Guaranteed to make you thank the heavens that he isn't your boyfriend and she isn't your girlfriend. (For extra fun, YouTube the 2007 Big Brother special of 8 out of 10 Cats and marvel at Charley's complete lack of... well... everything.)

5) Se7en.
Letting yourself get absorbed into a serial killer story in which Brad Pitt is actually acting is a sure fire way of forgetting all your romantic problems. Especially the last scene. (Although when I watched it the first time I was completely let down by the ending, because my twisted mind had come up with something far more disgusting and horrific that could have been in the box. But that's just me, most people find the ending fantastic.)

6) Peep Show.
It's a British TV show. I think the first season is still up on YouTube unless some copyright Nazis have taken it down. It's unbelievably hysterical. And there's very very little romance. As in, almost none. Did I mention it's hysterical? One of my favourite lines: "This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definately a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo. On my chest. But of my face. Yeah, double me." Go watch.

7) The Sound of Music.
I never want to fall in love again. Put the singing children away! Plus, in a top 10 list of the most unromantic things in the world, I imagine Nazis rate pretty high.

That's all I can think of right now. Enjoy, you romance-haters.