Mariah: Oh wow. I have had such a troubled childhood. I was taken away from my loving, if mildly alcoholic mother, to the nicest orphange in the world where I immediately met my 2 best friends and we all got adopted into the same loving family and then we all got jobs as back up dancers in the hottest night club in town.
Werid looking love interest: Wow. Tough. I totally feel your pain. ... Get naked.
Mariah: I don't think so. On second thoughts, sure.
Mariah: Wow. Life is totally hard. I'm like, totally famous and everybody loves me and my boyfriend is also my manager and he totally cares for me and gave up his own career for mine. But they want me to be photographed in a bikini? Man, my life sucks.
Weird looking love interest: Don't worry, I wont let you be humilitated. Oh wait, we're totally breaking up. Bye.
Mariah: Dude that sucks. My life is horrible. I'm an international superstar but I'm living in a tiny one bedroon flat with my 2 best friends. Where did my boyfriend go?
Mariah: I know! I'll write the lyrics for a song expressing my love for my boyfriend. I wonder where he is.
Weird looking love interest: I know! I'll write the music to a song expressing my love for her. Why did we break up?
Mariah: Oh no! He died! Right before my first stadium concert! Most people would cancel the show, and most fans would understand that a loved one has literally JUST. DIED. but not me! Oh no, the show will go on! Right now! I'm going on stage right now! I know! I'll sing that song I wrote for him! Oh look! My band somehow knows the music that he wrote, even though I only saw it once, and no one except the dead guy ever heard it, they are playing along with me! This sucks dude. My life is just one trial after another.
Me (watching it): Wow. I mean, I knew it was bad but... wow. That never had a climax. It never had any conflict. That was just Mariah Carey in really bad clothes. The biggest problem was a photo shoot where they put her in a really cute silver bikini. I am totally watching that again, with all my friends and a bottle of vodka.