The Culkin Brothers in: Kieran tries to pick up.

Kieran: Hey cute girl, don't you think my brother's girl is just a touch over-fake-tanned? Like, orange?

Rory: Shut up about my woman.

Kieran: But seriously cute girl, I much prefer pale, down to earth cute girls. Actually, girls much like you, cute girl.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: ... My brother was in Uncle Buck. Did you like Uncle Buck? I liked Uncle Buck.

Cute Girl: ... Are you that guy from that movie with Ryan Phillippe?

Kieran: Why yes, yes I am.

Cute Girl: Do you have his number? He's so damn cute.

Kieran: ... Actually I don't have his number. He's an asshole. Do you know who's number I do have? Mine.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: Here, let me save it in your blackberry. I'll just put it under 'C' for cute Culkin. Hahaha.

Cute Girl: ...

Kieran: Haha.

Cute Girl: Give me my blackberry back. *Leaves*

Rory: Bet you wish you were with my orange chick now, huh?

Best game ever.

I seriously couldn't get enough of this game when I was 8 - 12.

I wish I still had it.

Gosh, those rascally skateboarding kids.

My position in the global popularity contest.

People I will never be cooler than:

Fiona Apple

Meryl Streep

Beck

People I am definitely already cooler than:

Jeff Goldblum

Corbin "why hasn't Disney dropped me yet?" BLEUGHH

The two Culkins who aren't Macaulay. (Rory and Kieran, for those wondering. Kieran's on the left, Rory on the right. I know much too much about the Culkin brothers. Because secretly - not so secretly now - I adore them all. As cool as Macaulay is, my favourite is Kieran. Troubled middle child. Aw. But I'm still cooler than him.)

Best Infomercial Ever?

I thought it was in the bag with the snuggie, but then America goes and does this.

I'm tearing up with pure infomercial joy. Gosh.

Punch Perez!

For those not in the loop Perez got punched by will.i.am's manager. will.i.am claims it was a random fan.

Seriously, let's all get in on this and turn it into a "I AM SPARTACUS" deal.

I PUNCHED PEREZ.

Can we get tshirts?

Some of my favourite lines from Perez's video include:

"I've been doing this for 5 years now and nothing like this has ever happened to me. I've had people scream at me, I've had people write nasty things on other blogs, I've had people sue." Those are what we call WARNING SIGNS, Perez.

"I have 10million plus people that visit my website every day. I don't need press, I don't need publicity." He doesn't need modesty either.

"I told him you know what, I don't need to respect you and you're a fag. You're gay and stop being such a faggot." HAHA. And you didn't see the punch coming?

"I think my eyes might be falling out of my head!" I think your brain might be falling out of your head.

"I called 911, I spoke to the police, and they said to me that they would try to make it but that there were actual emergencies going on." Lmao, the police sassed Perez.

"I took to twitter." Gosh, who wouldn't?

But seriously, is anyone else stuck on the perfect pun-based irony of the Black Eyed Peas giving Perez a black eye?

Anyway, this is already almost old news so I better post this quick before will.i.am responds with another video. I can see this going back and forth for days. At least I hope it will.

A year? Seriously? ...Oops.

I didn't mean to leave it this long. I swear. But I'm back, and I'm going to put in so much effort. Regular updates, even if they are shitty. Like this one. Kidding. Or am I? Lets read on and find out...

So I'm reading Kevin Smith's autobiography and I've decided he's a little off on the title. It's called My Boring-Ass Life. But thats the thing, it's not a boring life. He chats with Zach Braff, he goes out for breakfast, brunch and lunch almost every day, his kid goes to the same school as Johnny Depp's kids, and one day Johnny Depp reads fairy tales to the class. THAT'S NOT BORING.

The boring part is wading through his boring writing.

I know, I know, it's Kevin Smith, don't say bad stuff about Kevin Smith. Hey, I jumped on the Clerks bandwagon as much as the next annoying indie hipster, but I also EDIT MY WRITING.

I know, he took it straight from a daily blog and put it into a book, and I know it totally wouldn't be boring if you were reading it on the blog, just a tiny little bit every day. BUT I'M NOT. I'M READING IT IN BOOK FORM, and I don't care how many times he pees in a day.

Basically, I'm objecting to blogs being put straight into book form. It's like taking a whole tv show season and putting the episodes together end to end and watching it all (and yes, I do that on occasion, but still, I'm trying to make a point here). THAT'S NOT HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE WATCHED. And this book is not how Kevin Smith intended these writings to be read.

Obviously, I'm going to continue reading it, because I want to get to Jason Mewes' drug addiction, but once that's over and its just "I woke up, I peed, Clerks 2, I watched TiVo-ed Simpsons episodes" I am so giving up on Kevin Smith and re-reading The Virgin Suicides.

Wow, that was much more ranty and boring than I expected it to be. Have fun with that, people.

And better stuff to come, I hope.