I'm Back

Yes, that's right. The uni semester is almost over so I'll be back and posting regularly. In theory.
I'll try my hardest anyhow.

But for now, be soothed with the answers to the movie tagline quiz!

All he wanted to do was dance.
Footloose! How could I not put Footloose in it?

An undercover cop in a class by himself.
Kindergarten Cop. Obviously. It's not a tumour!

From ordinary girl to international popstar.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Loves it.

Meet generation Rx.
The Chumscrubber.

Five strangers with nothing in common, except each other.
The Breakfast Club.

Everyone just pretend to be normal.
Little Miss Sunshine.

Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters. Sigh. I love young Bill Murray.

If you think you know the secret... think twice.
I Know Who Killed Me. Best. Lindsay film. Ever. And I haven't even seen it yet.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday Wes Anderson!
Now hurry up and finish The Fantastic Mr. Fox already. Please.
Thankyou.

Oh God, I'm So Sorry.

No really, I am. I swear. I didn't mean to neglect my adorable little blog for this long.

To make up for it, we're going to play a game. It's called guess-the-movie-from-the-tagline
Basically, I list my favourite movie taglines.

Enjoy.

All he wanted to do was dance.

An undercover cop in a class by himself.

From ordinary girl to international popstar.

Meet generation Rx.

Five strangers with nothing in common, except each other.

Everyone just pretend to be normal.

Who you gonna call?

If you think you know the secret... think twice.

Have fun kids.

Please Forgive Me

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in ages.

Really I am.

So here we go...

WHY does John Mayer insist on hanging out with fools?

And worst of all....

I imagine the conversation went a little something like:
John: You guys are so hot right now.
Vanessa: Who are you?
Zac: Dude I totally love your music and political opinions and everything because I am so mature.
John: I remember when I used to be popular. Should've never broken it off with Jessica.
Vanessa: Oh! You're that dude who was dating Jessica Simpson! I knew I'd seen you somewhere.
Zac: No, come on guys, I am totally mature and adult and smart and shit.
John: Say Vanessa, you're quite cute. Wanna be a super hot couple?
Vanessa: Aren't you old enough to be my dad?
John: Details, baby. Love has no age.
Vanessa: Yes it does.
Zac: Seriously guys! I am mature. Just because I'm a Disney star doesn't mean I don't have depth. I'm totally into politics, I swear. Down with Bush! Women and black people are the future!
John: Hey! I know you! You're Harry Potter!
Zac: No I'm not.
John: Dude, you are freakin awesome!
Zac: I'm not Harry Potter.
John: Oh dude, I loved that scene where you were all "Screw you Malfoy!" and he was all "Oh no!" and then Hermione was, like, all over you dude. Swear to god, you are so in with her.
Zac: I'm not Harry Potter. That's Daniel Radcliffe.
John: So does Harry die in the end?
Zac: What is with this guy? Vanessa, we are so outie. Vanessa? Vanessa?
Vanessa: Sorry, I found one of the least gay guys from Simple Plan. It's over, Zac.
Zac: You bitch! I spent a few hundred dollars on that crappy ring! All the magazines said it was adorable and age-appropriate. You can't do this to me!
John: Don't worry dude, if Hermione turns you down, just get back with Cho. Emotionally distraught chicks are hot.


Wow. Okay. That just ended up being a string of very loosely connected thoughts that happened to run through my brain. I'm quite impressed I worked a Simple Plan reference in.
Enjoy.
And I promise more updates very soon.

Law & Order: The Teenage Witch

I LOVE Law & Order (mainly Criminal Intent, but I'll take it all)

So you can imagine how excited I was when I saw an ad for the SVU ep airing tonight.

It's got Melissa Joan Hart

as a teacher,

and Beaver from Veronica Mars

as one of her students

BUT
Beaver is a sex addict who rapes Sabrina and gets put in a 'treatment facility' where he gets raped!

I am SO taping this.

Channel 7 (and why they suck)

1) It Takes Two
2) Dancing with the Stars
3) Grant Denyer
4) Larry Emdur stuck with that ugly woman, instead of hosting The Price is Right
5) King of the Hill's timeslot
6) Beauty and the Geek's timeslot
7) They have the Disney contract but they don't use it

STOP DESTROYING EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR.
And let Grant go back to his cars. He was only good as a weather man, he shouldn't be a host.

An Open Letter To Bridget From "Neighbours"

Dear Bridget,

WEAR A BRA.

Hope all is well,
Tegan.

My Version of 'Glitter'

Mariah: Oh wow. I have had such a troubled childhood. I was taken away from my loving, if mildly alcoholic mother, to the nicest orphange in the world where I immediately met my 2 best friends and we all got adopted into the same loving family and then we all got jobs as back up dancers in the hottest night club in town.

Werid looking love interest: Wow. Tough. I totally feel your pain. ... Get naked.

Mariah: I don't think so. On second thoughts, sure.

*time passes*

Mariah: Wow. Life is totally hard. I'm like, totally famous and everybody loves me and my boyfriend is also my manager and he totally cares for me and gave up his own career for mine. But they want me to be photographed in a bikini? Man, my life sucks.

Weird looking love interest: Don't worry, I wont let you be humilitated. Oh wait, we're totally breaking up. Bye.

Mariah: Dude that sucks. My life is horrible. I'm an international superstar but I'm living in a tiny one bedroon flat with my 2 best friends. Where did my boyfriend go?

*time passes*

Mariah: I know! I'll write the lyrics for a song expressing my love for my boyfriend. I wonder where he is.

Weird looking love interest: I know! I'll write the music to a song expressing my love for her. Why did we break up?

*time passes*

Mariah: Oh no! He died! Right before my first stadium concert! Most people would cancel the show, and most fans would understand that a loved one has literally JUST. DIED. but not me! Oh no, the show will go on! Right now! I'm going on stage right now! I know! I'll sing that song I wrote for him! Oh look! My band somehow knows the music that he wrote, even though I only saw it once, and no one except the dead guy ever heard it, they are playing along with me! This sucks dude. My life is just one trial after another.

THE END.

Me (watching it): Wow. I mean, I knew it was bad but... wow. That never had a climax. It never had any conflict. That was just Mariah Carey in really bad clothes. The biggest problem was a photo shoot where they put her in a really cute silver bikini. I am totally watching that again, with all my friends and a bottle of vodka.

David O'Doherty

He says what we've all been thinking.

Famous

You know you've made it when an online American t-shirt company makes one in your honour.

It also comes in a hoodie. Get 'em while they're hot!

Busted Tees

Enjoy!

238

The number of times I wanted to suck my own eyes out with a vacuum cleaner whilst watching Raising Helen.

Anti-Valentines

I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Valentines Day is a waste of perfectly good space. Especially because I'm single.
I know it's not for a little while yet, but I've been catching up on Get This podcasts, and with them I'm up to Valentines Day last year.

So, for everyone out there as bitter and twisted (and single) as I am, here are some movies sure to put you off love.

1) Confetti.
No seriously, I really really don't want to get married because of this movie. Never. Never ever. It's such a super movie.

2) Candy.
Sigh, oh Heath. We miss you. Plus, this movie proves that sometimes kicking your drug habit is more important than true love. Sweet. Just watch out for the baby scene. Super extra sad and horrible warning.

3) Big Fat Liar.
Looking for something a little (a lot) lighter? Watch this, and marvel at how Amanda Bynes steals every scene from Frankie Muniz (well duh. He looks like a gremlin) and the complete and utter lack of any remote sexual tension between them. Definately something to make you forget that romance even exists.

4) YouTube "charley brian uk bb" and watch all the videos that come up.
Seriously. UK Big Brother is A BILLION times better than our Australian one. As in, theirs is actually entertaining. Brian and Charley will make you laugh and cry. No wait, just laugh. Especially when he gets a boner while giving her a massage and feels the need to tell her about it. Oh, and when he wets the bed. Oh, and when he thinks Shakespeare is a film director who did Babe: Pig in the City. Golden. Guaranteed to make you thank the heavens that he isn't your boyfriend and she isn't your girlfriend. (For extra fun, YouTube the 2007 Big Brother special of 8 out of 10 Cats and marvel at Charley's complete lack of... well... everything.)

5) Se7en.
Letting yourself get absorbed into a serial killer story in which Brad Pitt is actually acting is a sure fire way of forgetting all your romantic problems. Especially the last scene. (Although when I watched it the first time I was completely let down by the ending, because my twisted mind had come up with something far more disgusting and horrific that could have been in the box. But that's just me, most people find the ending fantastic.)

6) Peep Show.
It's a British TV show. I think the first season is still up on YouTube unless some copyright Nazis have taken it down. It's unbelievably hysterical. And there's very very little romance. As in, almost none. Did I mention it's hysterical? One of my favourite lines: "This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definately a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo. On my chest. But of my face. Yeah, double me." Go watch.

7) The Sound of Music.
I never want to fall in love again. Put the singing children away! Plus, in a top 10 list of the most unromantic things in the world, I imagine Nazis rate pretty high.

That's all I can think of right now. Enjoy, you romance-haters.

Music Review - Coconut Records

Coconut Records - Nighttiming

Coconut Records is the name Jason Schwartzman has given his latest musical project.

If you (shockingly) don't know who I'm talking about, let me refresh your memory.

I'm not going to crap on about how brilliant it is and go through every song in a nerd-ish amount of detail, I'll just sum it up with one phrase.

Ridiculously Spectacular.

And just to hook you in even more, Zooey Deschanel and Kirsten Dunst both sing on a couple songs each (and Kirsten isn't as bad as you think, she's actually quite good)

Now fly my pretties, and listen till your ears bleed with joy.

Everybody Loves Kristen Bell

I adore Kristen Bell.

She'd be the perfect older sister, always letting you borrow her awesome clothes and shoes and buying you alcohol when you're underage and taking you out with all her cool friends to all the cool bars where she knows the owner and gets you free drinks.

So it's nice to see her wearing something that makes her look gorgeous, rather than stumpy and old like she often looks at red carpets.

Aw, look at her there, all cute and smiley and gorgeous. Isn't she adorable? (the answer is yes)
Damn you bastards for cancelling Veronica Mars! Damn you!

No One Like Alicia Keys

So recently Alicia Keys got a Well Played on GoFugYourself.com for this little ensemble.Now, lord knows I love GoFugYourself and most of the time I completely agree with them and enjoy revelling in their discussions of tackiness.

But honestly, Well Played? This outfit?

Her face is so shiny it's like she's trying to communicate with aliens by reflecting light into outer space, her hair looks like a bird built a nest and then a squirrel came along and killed the bird, using the nest to store its nuts for the winter, and the dress looks like it would look awesome on someone with boobs far bigger than hers and a nicer neck than hers.

Plus her expression looks like she's just realised how irritating No One is to listen to.

Now, I know it's not a total Fug, like, say, Johnny Depp and the London premiere of Sweeney Todd

(Not that anyone should fug Johnny, because he's Johnny Depp and is immortal and untouchable and magical)
But it's still not a pretty picture. I know it's better than a lot of other things she's worn (like the frizzy hair and sweat shirt combo in the No One video) but it's still stupid.

Or, I could be completely wrong and it could just be my dislike for Alicia Keys raging out in the form of insulting her fashion choices. Actually, if I look at it and pretend it's not Alicia Keys, it's not that bad.


Photos copyright GoFugYourself.com

Crazy Britney

Oh god I love her so much. Seriously.

Okay, remember Brits wedding to Kev? Yes? And remember the outfit?

Well, here she is yesterday in a car dealership with her new bf, that paparazzo dude with the name I can't spell.

Oh Britney.

Now, I am all for celebs wearing things more than once in public. I think it's stupid they get canned for wearing the same thing lots. I wear my clothes lots. Thats what people do.

But BritBrit, seriously, your wedding dress? With a new bf? To a car dealership? Seriously?

Oh lord. Dr. Phil, forget the fueding and the fighting, this girl needs help.

Photos copyright People Magazine

Hello Baby!

So Nic finally popped it out.
I didn't even know she was 9 months, has anyone checked if she's eaten recently?

And in true Hollywood style, they've chosen a perfectly normal, sane, beautiful name for their baby girl.
Harlow Winter Kate Madden
The only thing that could make that better was if they did a double-barrell on the end with Ritchie.

And apprently celeb friends are just so excited.
Katie Holmes has sent her congratulations (because she's locked in an ivory tower with nothing else to do but read scientology books)
Mischa Barton has bought them a bunch of baby "rocker" tshirts (because her career is non-exsistent and she has a desperate need to cling wildly to anyone in the spotlight)
And LC from The Hills can't wait "to see the baby. I bet it's beautiful!" (because she just has no life)

Enjoy raising the baby, you two crazy kids!

Photo copyright People Magazine.

Music Review - Nickelback

It's a new segment!

In "Music Review" I'll basically just insult a random band for as long as Blogger will let me. Enjoy!

Nickelback - All The Right Reasons

This week we're taking a look at Nickelback's latest attempt at mediocrity.

Basically, my view of Nickelback is that, while they are very sucky, they used to be sucky in bearable near obscurity until they started liking pants around women's feet. They thought these lyrics were cool and edgy and sexually appealing. They were wrong. They have spent the rest of their career trying to make up for these lyrics.

Their latest attempt at trying to win back women is so disgustingly sappy in terms of lyrics that I'm not even going to talk about the horribly formulaic music. With songs like "If everyone cared", how anybody can sit through this album without being sick into their own disgust amazes me. I know I sure didn't listen to the album.

What, then, gives me the right to judge it without having heard the entire thing? Because I have a blog. So there, Nickelback fans. Pfft, who am I kidding? That's an oxymoron.

Nic & Keith's First Ultrasound

What with me being such a close personal friend to redheads and addicts, I have EXCLUSIVE access to the ultrasound pics.

Aw, innit cute?

And who knew Nic's womb was so well equipped?

Good luck to them.

PS - I hope you all appriciate my wicked bad Paint skillz. Bitches don't know shit about Paint.

A Small Note On Paynesville

(For those who don't know, Paynesville is a tiny town in East Gippsland. Never go there.)

Dear Paynesville,
When your pizza place has an ocotpus as it's logo, you're in trouble.
Love,
Tegan

New Year!

Happy new year everybody!

Top 5 resolutions for 2008:
1) Become rich
2) Become famous
3) Find the love of your life
4) Be best buds with H.Duff
5) Take Li-Lo under your wing and fix her

I hope you all acheive all of those (I'll be happy with just the last two)