Top 5 Disappointments of 2007

1) George Bush is still alive

2) We don't have hover cars.

3) I don't have Spice Girls tickets.

4) Fictional characters still don't have the ability to become real.

5) DanRad is still acting in things other than Harry Potter.

More Arnie

Don't doubt me, don't question me.
Just watch it.

And Blogspot is being stupid again so I can't embed the video. You'll just have to follow the link:

Arnie Does Rio

Merry Christmas!

So, yes, it's christmas eve. And I know I haven't updated in ages, but it's not my fault I swear! It's stupid Blogger. So I think I'll hunt around for a blog service that doesn't srew me over when I get a spare moment.

But for now, some yuletide spirit for you, in the form of christmas movies to warm your heart for the silly season.

Seriously, Arnold punches a reindeer in the face then gets it drunk on vodka. It's magical.

Worst Cover Ever?

Seriously. He's not just flashing, look closer. He's touching himself with his pinkie. WTF JIMMY!?

So wrong. So very, very wrong.

Tegan's Favourite Amazing Animal Facts!

• A male angler fish attaches itself to a female and never lets go. Their vascular systems unite and the male becomes entirely dependant on the female's blood for nutrition.

Okay, all I can think of is getting drunk with my friends and one friend (who shall remain nameless, but anyone who knows her will figure it out) complaining that all she wanted was a guy who wasn't clingy at all. That's the ultimate clingy boyfriend right there.

"What are you doing?"

"Just swimming about."

"Cool. Where?"

"You know where, you're attached to me."

"Cool. Cool. Wanna go out tonight?"

"I swear to god if you don't shut up I'll starve you."

• Apparently, moths aren't really attracted to bright lights, they're attracted to the extremely black light just behind the bright light.

Well, there goes half of Jimeoin's material.

• Penguins can jump 6 feet in the air.

This fact shouldn't be a fact. Penguins are BIRDS. They should be able to FLY. We state they can jump like it's something impressive. We shouldn't be rewarding them for this. It's like rewarding a racing greyhound for walking. YOU SHOULD BE RUNING VERY FAST, YOU LAZY BASTARD.

Right, that's it. From this point on, I refuse to talk about penguins until they start flying. Take that, you poncy black-tie wankers.

• The black bulldog ant from Australia is the most dangerous ant in the world. It stings and bites at the same time and has killed humans.

I don't know whether to be proud that we have the most dangerous ant in the world, or scared because there's a nest of them in my backyard. (No seriously, there is. Serious. They're really gross and they smell when you kill them.)

• The Arctic Tern flies from North to South pole and then back again to spend summer in each place.

Right, 2 problems with this animal. One, its got a summer house, so it's a poncy rich wanker who sits around with his mates talking about where they "summered" in '89. Two, it flies from North to South pole so that it's always summer. Always summer. In the North and South poles. Summer. The North and South poles. SUMMER. Is it just me who has a problem with that?

Okay, I'm done. Hopefully, if I find some really good (or really crap) animal facts in the future, I'll stick them up here with my incredibly witty observational commentary for your enjoyment.

Bindi Irwin

Top 3 reasons why Bindi Irwin is the devil.

1) Her eyes are just black. If that's the window to her soul, it needs some Windex.

2) No one can crimp their hair that much and not have it dry out and become horribly brittle. There are supernatural forces at work in that scalp.

3) Uhh... have you seen the girl sing? That shit ain't right.

Post-Election Blog (Finally)

So I know it's kinda past it, but...

YAY. Oh gosh I was so happy when I got that text from Mum saying "It's a Ruddslide!"

So I should have done this on Sunday, but I was WAY too hungover. Seriously. And then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday flew by in a blur of data entry. So here we are. Thursday.

And that bright pink man is the leader of our country.

Sleep easy, Australia.

Numb3rs

Older Brother: Man, being in the FBI is hard. Let me tell you all the details of the top secret classified case I'm working on right now.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Okay.

Older Brother: Someone is going around killing people. It's bad.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Pfft! You call that a crime? I could solve that in 5 seconds with maths.

Older Brother: ... Uhh... maths?

Dude from The Santa Clause: Sure! Just let me draw lots of meaningless equations on this blackboard. (draws) There! Done! This is the guy you're looking for.

Older Brother: Wow! I've been in the FBI for years and had years and years of intensive training before that, but you're so much better at this than me! You should help me on every case.

Dude from The Santa Clause: Yay maths!

Awesome Christmas Presents

It's that time of year, people. The time when all you want to do is drink and sleep and watch awesome movies like Jingle All The Way and The Santa Clause 2, but you keep getting interrupted by family members who seem like they will never give in to mortality and who demand presents.

So, for my parents benefit (although hopefully they will never find this blog, so this is kind of pointless, but shut up, don't judge me), here is my christmas wishlist.

Pretty much the best show in the world -- with the worst timeslot. Midnight on a tuesday? WTF ABC.

I MUST HAVE THEM. I missed a section of the first season and most of the third. I. MUST. HAVE. THEM.

I have to complete my Wes Anderson collection or I will die. Enough said.

Yes, I've seen pretty much every episode on TV, but that was years ago, and I've got the first 3 seasons, so now it's a collection. And it's a really good show.

Other than that, just get me money. I only want dvds. Dvds are awesome.

Do you hear me, parents? Good.

Election Propaganda

A vote for John Howard is a vote for racism.

Do the right thing, Australia.

Sally Potter's Orlando

Once upon a time in a magical land far far away, a young girl with a large nose was born. She was very very smart and a very very brilliant writer. One day this girl fell in love with another girl and decided to write a book for her. This book was called Orlando. Many many years later, after the book was very successful and the young girl with the big nose had killed herself, another young girl decided to make this classic novel into a film.

Casting was very hard because the characters were so complicated. The young girl decided Tilda Swinton should play Orlando and a gay man should play Queen Elizabeth. This was all fine, but one character still stumped her. Orlando's handsome sailor husband, Shel. She just couldn't find anyone right to play Shel. All the men were either too ugly, or too good looking, or too tall, or too short. Eventually they had no time left to look for more men and they had to start shooting, so the young girl quickly hired the cheapest actor in Hollywood, Billy Zane.

A few years later, a young girl was attended university and studying literature, in particular Orlando and the film adaptation. The young girl had only read 2 books on the course, and had already done essays on both of those. She needed to pick another text to do her final essay on, so she compared the length of The Portrait of a Lady and Orlando, and Orlando was thinner so she read that one. To her surprise, she truly really enjoyed the book! It was brilliantly funny and cleverly written and was jolly good fun. She was quite excited that she had chosen, by chance, a book that she actually enjoyed to write an essay on. Now she had to watch Sally Potter's film adaptation. It was quite boring and badly shot, but very aesthectically pretty, and Tilda Swinton was quite awful, but she swallowed her disappointment and continued to watch.
Then Billy Zane appeared.
The girl laughed out loud. This couldn't be serious, she thought. No one would actually cast Billy Zane in such an important and heavy role. The movie continued. Apparently it was serious. The girl tried to stifle her laughter, but when Tilda Swinton gave Billy Zane a foot bath, it was all too much and the girl had to leave the theatre to laugh loudly and continuously.


In short, Sally Potter, shame on you for destroying a fantastic, classic piece of literature. Shame.
As punishment, I think you should write my essay for me, Sally. It's only fair.

Hey There Annoying-Repetative-Ballad-By-A-Band-With-Dicks-Where-Their-Talent-Should-Be

Okay, I don't often force my musical opinions on other people, BUT.

If ANYONE I know enjoys Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's, then I disown you.
Right now. Right this very second. I swear. If I saw you on the street having a heart attack I wouldn't stop to help. Seriously. I hate that song so much.

So go ahead, listen to it AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Homosexual Humour

I ADORE Harry Potter. I also adore Harry Potter spoofs.
So enjoy,



Props to The Soup for this excellent vid.

Grand Final

I really don't care much for football, but the grand final is always a great opportunity to pick up some fantastic commentator quotes, like these ones:

Before the game:
"Port will be playing keepings off with the ball"
I assumed they'd be playing football. Silly me.

During the game:
"Back in '95 the cats overcooked it"
.... uh huh

As a player's about to kick a goal:
"This is a moment he'll remember for the rest of his life... the crowd ringing in his ears... he'll tell his grandkids about this... oh, he missed it."
Yeah, not too sure he'll tell his grandchildren about that particular event.

After watching a player get tackled around his waist and drop to the ground, both players spooning each other:
"Great camera angle there. Do you want some company?"
Gotta love sports progressive attitude towards sexuality.

As it becomes clear that Port is definitely going to lose:
"It's a total Power blackout."
Brilliant. Pure genius. I love puns.

After Geelong won:
"What's it all about Alfie? It's about premierships."
Not too sure that was the original meaning of the song...

My Version of "Chocolat"

Juliette Binoche: Oooh. Freaky mystical ancient herbal stuff.
Johnny Depp: Chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Not just chocolate. It can awaken a sleeping soul, unlock the truth inside the most repressed heart.
Johnny Depp: Right. Okay. Umm.... wanna have sex on a boat?
Juliette Binoche: Can it be deep, sensual, meaningful sex?
Johnny Depp: Sure babe.
*after sex*
Juliette Binoche: The clever north wind is calling to me. I must keep travelling. There are so many more people I must save.
Johnny Depp: Save... with chocolate?
Juliette Binoche: Yes.
Johnny Depp: ... Okay, yeah, well... you go on ahead, I'll catch up.
*she leaves*
Johnny Depp: Holy fuck she is nuts. I'm gonna go live with Winona in Girl, Interrupted. Maybe I can get me some Angelina action. Wait... what am I saying? I'm Johnny Depp. OF COURSE I can get me some Angelina action.

Battle of the Interviewers

Parky: Everybody loves you.
Denton: You're quite popular in some demographics.
Rove: I think you're great (pulls funny face).

Parky: Your new album is just lovely.
Denton: Your album has been received rather well.
Rove: I love your new album. (lets Pete crack a joke)

Parky: You're so young and so talented.
Denton: You must have a lot of pressure on you, being thrust into the spotlight at such an early age.
Rove: Can you even drink legally? I can. (lets Dave crack a joke)

Parky: You had a rough childhood. Do you think that helped you become so brilliant?
Denton: Tell me about the time you watched your father rape and murder your mother and sister.
Rove: Squirt this milk out of your nose and I'll get Hamish to drink it.

Parky: There's been some questions around your sexuality. Do you think that's contributed to your success?
Denton: Are you gay?
Rove: Who would you turn gay for?

My Version of "The Piano"

Holly Hunter: I am a woman who does not speak. Respect and admire me for my individuality and integrity in a patriarchal world.
Harvey Keitel: Fuck me.
Sam Neil: No! Fuck me first!
Holly Hunter: ... I am a woman who does not spea-
Anna Paquin: Fuck somebody already! This movie needs a sex scene to liven things up. Meanwhile I'll just stand here looking mildly possessed until someone gives me an award.

The End.

Btw - I'm not against The Piano, I can fully appreciate the excellent cinematography and acting. I just don't like it.

Super Fight #2 - Re-Match: Bratz vs Barbie

So, it seems Bratz have tried to kill the competition with a dabble into the world of cinema.

They seem to have forgotten one tiny detail.

BARBIE ALREADY HAS MOVIES. TONS OF THEM.

Some highlights include:

Barbie as Rapunzel, Barbie in the Nutcracker, Barbie: Swan Lake, Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses, Barbie as the Island Princess (screening tomorrow on channel 7, don't miss it), The Barbie Diaries and Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper.

Not to mention her incredible spin-offs from Barbie: Fairytopia, which include Barbie Fairytopia: The Magic of the Rainbow, Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia and Barbie Fairytopia: Return to Mermaidia.

Now I hear what you're saying, "But Tegan, the Bratz movie has real people. Surely that's better than Barbie's crappy animation."

To which I say, No it's not. Animation is a perfectly valid form of artistic expression, and having animations allows Barbie to maintain her flawless looks. People get old and wrinkled and sag. Animations don't. Plus the chicks in the Bratz movie are weird looking. Especially the one that actually really looks like a Bratz doll. Creepy.

I also hear you say "But Tegan, those Barbie movies were created for tv, purely as vehicles of advertising for specific Barbie dolls."

To which I say, that doesn't mean they aren't fantastic stories. So shut up. Who do you think you are, anyway? Have you ever made a movie? NO. So leave Barbie alone. And don't go see the Bratz movie.

So Barbie wins again. Honestly Bratz, just give up now before you embarrass yourself.

High School Nude-ical

Gosh I love word play and puns.


Anway, this actually has nothing to do with naked Vanessa Hudgens because ~surprise suprise~ I genuinly don't care about that.

This is about Zac Efron and his horrible career transformation.


Observe Past-Zac:

He's cute, innocent, young, non-threatening, parent friendly and all round good guy. The type of guy an overprotective father is happy to see on his 11yr old daughter's wall.

But now, observe Present-Zac:




















He is, in short, THE DEVIL.

HEED MY WARNING. ZAC EFRON HAS BEEN POSSESSED.
No one willingly allows his hair to be styled like that without being clinically insane. Seriously, he has a reputation for being a tween heart throb. WHY WOULD HE BLOW THAT BY HAVING A SADISTIC PERVERTED CURL PLASTERED TO HIS HUGE FOREHEAD WITH LARD???


Anyway, that's all for now.


PS - I think I derserve kudos for the awesome title of this post, don't you? I can't stop laughing about it. It just came to me, just like when Edison invented all that crap and Einstein did all that stuff. I am a genius, if I do say so myself. Which I do.

Oh Aleisha *shakes head*

I expected it from Krystal. We ALL expected it from Krystal (in fact, if I'm being honest, I expected a double spread with Krystal and her mum, actually).

But I though you were above this Aleisha. I thought you were funny and cute and NOT A DIRTY SLUT.

Oh Aleisha, I was wrong.




















I am PRAYING that this is some crazy clause in your BB contract, stating all the girls (well, lets face it, all the pretty girls) have to do a Slutty McSlutSlut photo shoot for the ever tasteful Zoo Weekly, and that this wasn't a genuine career move (unlike your Global Rags ads with Brodie, which I LOVE, and simply can't stop watching. Kudos on that.)

Dear, sweet, lovely Aleisha, please PLEASE listen to me.
DON'T BECOME THE NEXT KRYSTAL.

Miss Teen USDumb

By now the entire world is almost finished laughing at this...




Now people, please, you all seem to be missing the point.
She's extremely pretty. Like, really really pretty.
And, as you all know, in this shallow world the pretty can do whatever the fuck they want (just look at Tyra. That bitch is mental. But pretty.)
So leave her the fuck alone. You're all just jealous that you couldn't pull off that dress.

Things I Learned From... (#2)

Kevin Rudd.

1) It doesn't matter how bad you fuck it up, there's always someone who is hated more than you.

Vote for him. He has awesome excuses for things and he has more hair than John.

Things I Learned From... (#1)

The movie Confetti...

1) Never get married

2) Jimmy Carr is an unstoppable force of awesomeness

That is all.

Gender Studies

is creating women who are really annoying.
Take a girl in my creative writing tute.
Here is an extract from a workshopping session on some guy's story.

Tutor: What do we think of it?

Random people: It's really good. I like it.

Gender studies chick: I don't know, maybe it's the gender studies in me, but I really didn't like it when the girl cried. It made her seem weak. And she's not weak.

Guy who wrote it: .......

Gender studies chick: It's just... women aren't weak.

Tutor: ...... Good. Anyone else?


Todays Lesson:
I don't care if you want to save gender studies, but please, do it quietly.

The whole lonely hearts thing

In honour of me watching the entire first season of The IT Crowd in one sitting (again), and in honour of my favourite episode being Fifty-Fifty (in which they place a fake personal ad) I thought we should take a closer look at some personal ads in a local newspaper I found lying around my house.

These are dead-set real ads. I swear the people who paid real money for these actually exist somewhere.


Men seeking women

The ad says:
I am open, friendly and enjoy a good laugh. I love animals and all things warm and fuzzy. Ready to chat.
He really means:
Fuck me.

The ad says:
Asian lady sought by 50 yo prof guy for permanent relationship. Enjoy gardening, country drives and different cultures. Caring and generous.
He really means:
I am too cheap to buy a mail order bride.

The ad says:
Dear reader, do I find thee well? If not, wellness can be obtained here. (not suitable for really sick people)
He really means:
I made it funny so it would look like I did it as a joke. I am alone. Love me.


Women seeking men

The ad says:
Classy succes very attar tall calm lovg intel educated young asain look 4 well pres attr calm fit intel prof or manag guy with heart 4 long relat
She really means:
I didn’t know this was pay by the letter.

The ad says:
Are you looking for someone to share the mystery with? Do you think that mature love has the potential to expand infinitely. You do! Then lets chat…
She really means:
I’m old, but good in bed.

The ad says:
Country girl. 67. Honest. Loving. Happy. Loves country, and horses, outdoors, camping, fishing etc. Hate liars. Call me.
She really means:
I just found my husband cheating on me.


Perhaps I have too much free time on my hands.... perhaps not. We'll never know.

The lowest form of wit

People say it's sarcasm, it's not. It's Mark Philippoussis' Age of Love.
If you haven't been watching this gem of a show, I highly encourage it.

The premise is not hard to follow. Mark thinks it's an ordinary dating show, until he finds out all the women are in their 40's. He gets to know them, heartwarmingly realises age is but a number, and then they introduce a bunch of women in their 20's. Now Mark is torn between old women with brains and personality (and children the same age as him. yum.) and young women with big tits. Hard choice dude. Hard choice.

All my friends (well, one) adore this show jsut as much as I do.
Observe this text conversation:

Friend: LMAO I HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING CHANNEL 7 RIGHT NOW.
Me: Dude of course I am. I wouldn't miss this train wreck for the world.
Friend: LMAO "ever dated a 46 yr old before?" I can almost hear him saying LOL inside.
Me: I don't get it. They're old. And he's not. This is going to be a very simple show.
Friend: Word, I just wanna see the old ladies faces when the younger girls come out. THERES BOUT TO BE A WHATTT? GIRL FIGHT!
Me: Haha, its going to be awesome. I really dont like that old woman in the 12 yr olds clothes. What.
Friend: Ahahahaha LMAO at these women thinking he might pick a 40 yr old. Ya.... 20 yr old..... 40 yr old.....hard decision, ya know?
Me: Especially for the man who dated Delta Goodrem pre-cancer. After you go Delta, you don't go back. Just ask that ugly Irish dude she's with now. HOME WRECKER DELTA.


So as you can see, Age of Love is awesome, Delta is not. Go watch Mark squirm awkwardly around women so desperate as to subject themselves to this treatment. We are in the golden age of tv, people. Don't ignore it.

Super Fight #1 - Bratz vs. Barbie

Being 19, I grew up with Barbie. Barbie had no competition back then (in the good ol' days). Barbie was queen of the toys and, as such, had an entire aisle dedicated to her fine products (commonly known as "the pink aisle").

I am a fan of Barbie. I think she is super and should be mandatory for all young girls. Thats why I was thoroughly annoyed when Bratz came on to the scene, all scantily clad and promiscuious and lacking noses, and actually sold quite well. I was disappointed in todays youth. However, before we start throwing around accusations about youth (calling them stupid sluts and so forth), I thought we should do an in-depth comparison of both Barbie and Bratz marketing to see just what it is about Bratz that hooks young girls in and where Barbie is going wrong.

Of course, in todays hectic lifestyle, who has time to conduct an in-depth research report on marketing strategies? Not me. So I went to the quickest and easiest source of marketing for both Bratz and Barbie and compared them. I talk, of course, of the OFFICIAL WEBSITES.


Lets start with Barbie.

While the homepage loads a message screams at me "THINK PINK". I can't see anything negative about this. It's happy and positive and not offensive in any way. Unless you don't like pink and resent being told to think it.

My eyes scan past the games and downloads to a button titled "PARENTS SECTION". The parents section appears to be a weekly helpful advice newsletter, dishing out information on everything under the sun, including topics such as Strong body, strong self; Tips about helping others; Family traditions; Raising a 'can-do' girl; Is she old enough to do that?; dad-daughter adventures; and Supporting your daughter through crisis.

This all seems wonderful. Once again, Barbie not only provides a strong role model for girls, but also helps girls's parents to become the best parents they can be.


Lets now visit the Bratz page.

While the homepage loads I am confronted with the message "PLEASE WAIT... IT TAKES TIME TO LOOK THIS GOOD"
Right. Uh huh. Encouraging a focus on outward beauty rather than building a strong and confident persona. Minus one point for Bratz and the homepage hasn't even loaded yet. It's not looking good.

The homepage, understandably, is advertising the latest instalment in Bratz dollz (every 's' is replaced with 'z' in Bratz-land). It appears to be Bratz dollz dressed as slutty fairie things. Apparently they are the Bratz Pixiez.
The advertisment tells me to pick my favourtie Bratz Pixiez outfit. I am stunned, as they all look the same to me. I settle on Jade, and as I click on her a window pops up with an enlarged image of Jade and a helpful message for young girls.
Keep the eyes and lips frosty and finish the look off with lots of glitter! Maybe add a fake tattoo!
I wonder how the writers of Barbie's parents section would feel about encouraging pre-teens to get tattoos. Obviously, I am intrigued by this "advice" and so I check out a couple other Bratz Pixiez to see what they have to say.
Yasmin tells me It's hard to imagine Lindsay Lohan getting coffee in this look! But celebs might rock this style on the set of a fantasy movie!
So not only do they want young girls drinking coffee (no doubt to stunt their physical and mental growth, thus keeping them in the Bratz target demographic forever) but they're promoting Li-Lo as an appropiate role model. Smooth.

I decide to look around for a parents section and surprise! I don't find one.
They may not have parent advice, but they do have horoscopes!
Here are some of the best ones.

Gemini: Stress much? It’s cool. We all wig-out every now and then. Try a little yoga to quell those worry-wart tendencies. Soon you’ll be stylin’!
Wig-out? Wig-out?!? I didn’t know people said that anymore. I guess I’m getting old.
Anyone wanna make a bet? $5 says this is a set-up for Bratz bringing out a yoga Bratz, who comes with an instructional video and everything.

Taurus: Could you be any busier this month? Between all the awesome activies and your sweet social life, save time to kick back and chill. Even brave bull-girls need beauty rest.
Bull-girls. Uh huh. Way to boost their self confidence.

Aries: Things are lookin’ up on the homefront. Organize a family fun night and celebrate your domestic bliss with a large pizza, rockin’ movie rentals and games!
“domestic bliss”? Stepford wives, anyone?

Pisces: Check it out: Your dating slump is over, fish girl! The 10th, 11th, 28th and 29th are super-special days to connect with your crush, so glam it up and get ready to be in like!
What. The. Fuck. So many things wrong…. Cant handle it…. bad grammar too… *dies*

Capricorn: Yikes! You and a BFF totally disagree! No worries. Things should mellow out mid-month. Celebrate making up with matching makeovers!
For those not in-the-know, BFF stands for Best Friend Forever. And its good to see Bratz dispensing solid, practical advise to help young girls deal with socialization problems.

Sagittarius: Sag is goin’ solo! Write a one-woman show, start a dog-walking service or make your own makeup. Enjoy the time alone and then have a blowout with your buds in honour of your sweet skillz!
This one has to be my favourite, purely for the use of the phrase “sweet skillz”.


THE VERDICT: Well obviously Barbie wins. I mean, it was close for a while there (before I'd seen the Bratz website) but Barbie brought it home in the end. Plus the Barbie online games are so much better than the Bratz ones. Don't ask me how I know that.


Enjoy.

No one cares about other peoples hopes and dreams.

I want to be a writer. Preferably a screenwrtiter.
But, as the title of this page suggests, I am extremely lazy. So for now, until I get off my arse and make something of my life, I live vicariously through my friends and I will fill this blog with my thoughts on stuff.

Just so you know, it'll probably end up being mainly about celebrities and music with the occasional politics/current events rant thrown in for good measure. Just like every other blog in the entire world! Yay!

Enjoy.